Today was a “hard day”.
But, not because it was busy. Today was a hard day because I witnessed the
crumbling of people’s lives right before my eyes.
You see, working on a
temporary project, in temporary positions lead to “end dates” and private
conversations with HR. It leads to the crumbling of hopes and dreams in the
matter of a few minutes. One minute everything is fine, the next its not. And
lets just say, that today has been a really tearful one. And not just tears—anger, frustration,
confusion, sadness… and a wide range of other emotions. Watching it all happen
is heartbreaking to say the least.
I just had a conversation
with one of these people whose life was flipped upside down, and hearing her
tears over the phone—was gut wrenching. As I was talking to her, I found myself
acknowledging her pain and talking about her heart. My deep concern was for her heart, her relationship with
the Lord and reminding her of all that God has done in and through her life in
the brief time we have been friends. I found myself crying with her, and trying
to relate… and then we hung up. And I cried and cried… and then I started
thinking…
I haven’t had to walk
exactly what she is walking right now, but I will say that I have had my little
teeny world turned upside down. You see, in March of this year—one of my best
friends and someone who I would consider my sister… sat in front of me and said
“… I’ve never been myself with you… you have never been good to me…our
friendship has never been good for me”. Umm… well… all I remember were instant
tears. It was awful. Devastating. My heart felt like it had been shattered.
And, I remember going on long walks that first week, really late at night and
just crying and crying. As I journeyed over the next month-- I started going to
counseling and was fighting depression and going on meds for it. Like, the kind
that makes you want to drive your car off the road or keeps you from sleeping
more than 3-4 hours each night.
Well, one day I called a
friend of mine. She is probably in her late 50’s—I told her what happened. And, she said something that helped me
approach me journey of healing in a whole new way! (This is where this doesn’t
become about anyone but MEEE and HIM!!!)…. She said “I don’t understand… you don’t deserve that…
but, God didn’t stop it when he could have… so, let him do what he wants with
it in your heart”. Its like, in a
moment… I started to look at this whole thing differently!!! I finally started
to realize that… I need to shift my perspective…
SO… I HAD A CHOICE about
how I would walk this season out!
I could either ________ or ________...
I could EITHER try to
figure out what God was doing at the beginning of all this, OR I could let the
Lord unfold the journey for me day by day…
I could EITHER point the
finger and play the blame game, OR I could open myself up to the Lord and allow
him to do a work in me.
I could EITHER attempt to
wrap my head around the why, who, what, where, when, OR I could allow the Lord
to answer my questions in his timing… not mine.
I could EITHER allow the
enemy to scream lies in my ears about who I am, OR I could go on a journey of
trusting my father to redeem and restore.
AHH!!! As I let go, and
trusted him more… the last 9 months have been quite the journey!!! The Lord answered
questions about my identity, my heart, struggles with people pleasing and
boundaries…. He spoke life into my heart and slowly put my heart back together
again, with new pieces! …He pulled
me unto himself and lovingly took away things that he would no longer allow to
be a part of my life … He held me
at times in a way that I have never and will never experience from anyone! …He
showed me a side of his character that I had never seen… He warred against the
enemy for me, when I was too weak… He fought for my heart when I didn’t have
the strength.
Then, a few nights ago he
said to me…
“If the enemy would have known this is where I
was going to take you and do in your life…
he
would have never messed with you”.
Wow. I was in awe… and
began to cry as I thought back over the past year! Nights when I felt like I
was going crazy and going to unravel. Times where I could see how I wanted to
respond, and I just wasn’t there yet. Days when I was afraid to go home and
would go walk for hours. AND NOW, I am…
More whole, more free,
more loving, more truthful, stronger, more confident, more tenacious, happier,
more joyful, more ME than I have ever been!!!! I am ALWAYS on a journey… but
there is no scent of the ashes of the old me….. there are even times when I am
like “umm… did you just say that and mean it??!!” Ahhhh!!!
Whew… that was a lot
huh??!! Well… I guess I will say
that this blog post really is for anyone who is in the middle of a season where
things flipped in a moment!!! It will be over one day and can’t last forever. And
as my friend Wendy said to me in the middle of all this “He makes all things
beautiful in His time… He brings beauty from ashes”. So, chin up!!! The season will pass… time waits for
no one. SO, the question is not “will the season end?”, but really “will you
trust him with where you are and where you want to be”… and “what will you life
look like when this season ends?”…
Trust Him. Cause it will
all be worth it!!! And, when it is time—I will tell my friend from work that. I
will tell her that He will do it…. Because He brought life out of the hardest
and most painful season of my life!!! I am so glad that what He does for one…
He will do for all… He’s so good….
