As I dive head first into this post, I think that it would be beneficial to set the stage.
Earlier this month I had a lengthy catch up conversation with a friend of mine. We went back and forth, sharing our hearts and cheering one another on in the things of the Lord. When we ventured into the fears and challenges, she shared with me that there were some women in her life that were mean to her. I was actually speechless. You see, this friend of mine is selfless. She puts herself last, to put others first. She is such a servant. She cheers on other people like it's her job.
Add then, I had an AHAAAA moment. They were just jealous. They were jealous of her, her family, her gifts…her.
As I shared my deep epiphany with her, I said something like "what you need to do is surround yourself with people like me, who aren't jealous of who you are. I want to cheer you on and see you be all that God has called you to be." AND, I am happy to share that I meant every. single. word. Those that know me best, know that jealousy has been a form of kryptonite for me the last 10 years. So, this was a moment that I could have just waded in alllllllll day.
Then this week...
I saw something. I overheard something. And I came face-to-face with someone else getting what I want. Not just in anything, but in something that I WANT. Really badly. And have wanted for like 5 years.
My heart started to harden. I wanted that, and didn't want them to have it. "What is wrong with you?" I kept thinking to myself. Then I realized that my long lost friend came to pay a little visit...
Jealousy.
So sneaky. So unpredictable. So sly. So painful. So frustrating. So crippling. My mind was spinning with lies and facts. I started to become overwhelmed with what I was facing on the inside and on the outside.
What did I do next? I complained to the Lord. I told him why I deserved to get what I want. I explained to him that I had been waiting for what they were getting. Basically, I took the whole "be honest with God" thing to a whole new level. It was all I had… and it didn't help. Shocker.
Then tonight.
I was on a run and Jesus started to talk to me about this whole jealousy thing. And, I was ready for it. I was ready for him to say "okay, first do this… and next, do that" or, "how could you, Nandi? Don't you trust my love for you? Sheesh". I braced myself.
In the next moment, Psalm 103:2 came up in my heart.
"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all of his benefits".
I had nothing to lose, so I just went for it. I recited, out loud, the benefits of knowing Jesus. I am forgiven…I am free…I am redeemed…my name is in the Book of Life.
Then, something really neat started to happen. My heart started to well up with gratitude and remembrance of the faithfulness of God in the very area that I am struggling with at the moment… Jealousy. I recalled moments last year when I literally thought I was going to come apart because a friend was getting married, or going on a date. Babies being born. Dream jobs being given out. Books being published. He brought me through. He helped me to express heartfelt and honest celebration for those that were on the receiving such wonderful gifts from Him.
As I turned the last corner of the walk back to my apartment, Phil 1:6 dropped into my little mind..."And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
He that has begun a good work in me, will complete it.
He will complete it. Completely.
I would love to say that the jealousy just up and vanished. It didn't. But, what did happen was much more than that… I embraced the label "work in progress" and was reminded that my part is to position myself at the feet of Jesus, and his part is to complete the work that he is doing in my life.
I know that I will find Him faithful. You will too.
Journeying onward.
Nandi
