Rest…learning to rest...

SO---its been a hot minute since I wrote my last blog… I did try and had a few things that I was going to write about as God was teaching me things about His heart. But, honestly… I just didn’t have the mental space and energy to put my thoughts down and lets just be honest, I had few things going on in my little world. A new job and a new apartment… it was a bit much!

For the past 2 months my life has felt like such a worldwind at times!  I was telling a friend that I feel schitozophrenic some days… one minute I am on top of the world and the next I am really sad or just feeling overwhelmed at certain things as I (catch this) look around at my life and don’t see things that I wish for… as I look around and long for something different whether in friendships, in my family, in my job, in being married... just wanting something different. And, lets be honest again… I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this, but when I get “going” in the busyness of life, my personal, intimate, intentional time with the Lord is the first thing to go. I would think of Him often, but just feel out of touch or something like that if that makes any sense.

But, in this last 2 months… I have heard the gentle whisper of the Lord at times… just beckoning me. I have heard him say “try me”… in the midst’s of wondering what other people would do in my situation. I have heard him say “ask me what I think” when I would try and figure out what others think of me. I have heard him say “just open your hands” when I would find myself struggling and straining. I have heard him gently say “trust me” when my heart literally feels like it might burst out of my chest. And, then this morning… I sat to have one of my first non-forced, non-im-so-tired-but-im-gunna-try quiet times with him… and I heard him say to my heart...In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength…

I couldn’t remember where this was in the bible, so I looked it up and its Isaiah 30:15—I love it in the NLT…

“This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength…”

It was like in just a few moments, the Lord was showing me what He was doing over the past few months in whispering to me to open my hands, to let go, to trust Him… he was teaching me to rest. I have told the Lord for the last 4 years that I have always felt like a runner in the starting blocks… all the time. Just always being pulled back and told “not yet”. And, in this season, the Lord has simply said “rest… Nandi… rest”. So simply. So gently. And always in the midst’s of heightened anxiety and tears welling up. Always in the midst’s of a million questions and crazy frustration. That is when He truly calls us to rest. And, I am not gunna lie, at the beginning of this journey the response in my heart was “but, that is not going to do anything”… and its almost like the Lord was saying back to me “exactly—you won’t do anything…I will”. Its almost like I am finally just starting to realize that just because I am inactive in my outward“DOING ACTIONS”… that doesn't mean I am inactive in the things of my spirit. In letting God do it, my role is to fight the lies with the truth of the Word… In letting God do it, my role is to guard my heart by believing what God says about me. In all actuality, nothing tangibly in my life has changed…  but, He is slowly changing me and it all started with this journey of learning to simply rest.

Hannah-Abby-Mary
(and my new VEST!)

Like… when I was moving and had so much JUNK, I was super stressed about how it was going to all get done. But, as it got closer I felt like I should just “rest” and in just a few days it all came together…Scott and Mary helped me load the truck and Angie helped me unload when I got to my new apt! Another one… my birthday was on Thursday. And for the last month, I have been kinda scared (for some dumb reason!) that maybe I would have to plan my own party or something. I love celebrating other people on their birthdays… but have always been afraid of being alone on my birthday. But, this year I just felt the Lord again asking me to rest and honestly, not think about it (which took a lot of grace!)… and then over the span of the past few days, Mary and her girls came and had lunch with me at BG (SO FUN!!!)… and the girls had a birthday dinner thingy for me at Crave… I just love each of them…oh, and we laughed a TON!!!

Kem-Kim-Beth-Carey-Tori-KK-Wendy… Sarah ran off and didn't make it into the picture! ha!

Just one more thing… rest and grace go hand in hand on this journey that I have been on. Just the past few weeks, as He has shared little nuggets with me about resting in Him… I have found myself praying “okay.. well, God give me the grace to trust you and the grace to rest”. Grace really is just the power and ability to do what in my own strength I can’t do… that is my definition at least. Grace is empowering and gives power and ability to the most broken, the most outcast, the most fragmented heart and spirit…Grace is strength. SO, I am learning to accept it and rest in it. I am so thankful for His amazing Grace… and the truth of resting in that Grace. Ahhhhh…..

I thought I would show a few of my tweets this past month… just to bring it all home.

So… Rest and Grace… constant companions. And I am thankful. So thankful.