Welp, I usually wait until I have a deep something in my heart, or
am further on down the road on my journey before I start writing. But, I am in
the beginning… like the very beginning of it and decided to go for it anyway!
We shall see what comes out J
I’m just gunna jump right in… not sure any backstory is
necessary. Lately I have been faced with
the reality that I am being overlooked. Like, really overlooked. Not considered
for something or by someone… and overlooked. Is that clear enough??!!
Overlooked J.
When I got home last night, I knew that I needed to get with God for a minute,
but didn’t know what to do. I don’t know about anyone else… but sometimes I
have no idea if I wanna pray, cry, worship, read, or phone a friend… haha. So,
I decided I would just sit on my floor in the dark—no music on, no nothing. The quiet lead me to start to talk to God. I started
with my automatic staple statements… “Lord I thank you for… I know that you…”
and pretty much stopped in my tracks and got really honest with Him. He knows my thoughts anyway…so,
why hide and try to wear a mask before God. ((((Sometimes I don’t quite
understand where I get some of the stuff I think about His character???? Anyway…
that’s another story!)))) I started in…
and what came out was actually really shocking. I was brutally honest (I think
I even used the word friggin’ … yikes)… and started saying things like…
…Sometimes I don’t want to choose you, I want
to defend myself…I just don’t trust you sometimes…
… help me to love
people that I can’t stand the way you want me to, when I really want to give
them a piece of my mind…
… this is so unfair,
are you kidding?? This is what you have chosen… so unfair…
…I am trying to be
kind in my heart, but really sometimes I feel like being nasty and ugly is SO
MUCH EASIER…
…show me how to keep
my little eyes on my heart, instead of judging other peoples hearts…
YUCK. It felt yucky coming out of my mouth. BUT, if I could
be even more honest…it also felt sooooooo good!!! I mean, there it was. All out
in the open. Then, it was like “well, what next??!!” In a moment…I simply and
softly heard the word “repent”. And then was reminded of Acts 3:17…
“Repent… that times of refreshing may come from the
[presence] of the Lord”
It started…
“I repent for judging
others, for not wanting your will and for being angry with you for not giving
me my way… I repent for not trusting you... for allowing my heart to be hard… I
repent for trying to take matters into my own hands… I repent for being jealous…
and for wanting to be “in the know” and in the middle of everything… for
wanting to be more important than I am to people… I repent for doing things to
make other people jealous… I repent for comparing…”
There was more… but, when I got done I realized that Acts
3:17 is true! It’s a promise. I felt refreshed… I felt lighter. I felt even a
little stronger.
It was in that moment when I opened my eyes, that I realized
the benefit of real, heartfelt repentance. Really, it has always been a really
scary word for me… but, last night I realized and experienced the fullness of
the benefit of repentance! Biblically, repentance is simply a “changing of your
mind”. It’s a response to God’s loving kindness towards us! He loves us, and in
loving us… He desires for us to walk in freedom!!! Repentance opens the door to that freedom and
activates God’s desire to give us full “remission” of sins. And, when God remits our sins…it means that our
sins are literally removed, cleansed and sent away!!!
Last night, repenting wasn’t just about remission… it was
also about giving him my filth and receiving His love, grace and perspective! It was about humbling myself and submitting to
the way that God designed for us to experience one of the many GREAT EXCHANGES
in scripture! And, honestly… I feel like God outdoes himself a little bit with
this whole repentance-exchange thing. He not only sends our sins away
(remission) as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12)… But, he then
GIVES us love, peace, joy, hope, grace and strength instead! I totally came out
on the good end of that deal! Its like, “there ya go God, I will give you my
calloused heart, my prideful perspective and my judgemental thoughts… oh, and I
will take a little peace that surpasses understanding, empowerment to make the
right decisions in the midst of my flesh screaming… oh, and an abundance of
hope for my future!”… Sounds crazy huh???!!! It is… its God!
Oh, and this is not about being “sin conscious”... because that
will actually make us want to sin more! But, it is about accepting God’s way of
carrying away our burdens—and submitting to the way that He desires to give us
more blessings. Lets not be afraid of
repenting… it’s actually a GOOD THING!!!
So, today… I am about 7 hours into practically walking out
my divine exchange from last night. And, I am not going to lie and say that I feel
like 1,000,000% like a different person… but, I will say that I can sense a new
resolve and empowerment in my heart! And, I’ll take it!!!
{{{here are some neat passages I came across in learning
more about repentance today…for some light reading J Psalm 103:1-12, Psalm
130:3-4, Psalm 51:1-2}}}
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