New seasons. New chapters.

I'm not sure how to start this blog, so I will just dive right in. 

I'm moving… 

There, I said it! Finally, after 3 months of praying, searching, asking, sharing and fighting… I can now say that God is moving my heart towards a new city with new challenges and new opportunities. 

I'm moving to Dallas, TX. 

The last 3 years of my time in Charlotte has been difficult. I have shared some of that on this blog, but most of it is between me and my counselor :) It really has looked NOTHING like I thought it would...

...But. (You know, there is always a "but")…

In the quietness of the last 3 years, I found out some things about myself and my King that I wouldn't trade for anything! Really, I wouldn't. In the middle of all of the ups and downs, I found me. I found my voice. Really, my time in Charlotte has been a gracious and humbling gift from the hands of Jesus… as he gently and patiently pulled back the layers to show me… me. 

Just as I was "settling into" the normal rhythms of life here, God started to stir my heart to take a good, hard, long look at a few things :) And, I finally started asking myself some LIFE questions :) Have you ever done that?! Questions like…why am I here? what am I supposed to be doing? what are my gifts? And on and on. Patiently, privately and queitely… just me and Jesus. We talked. 

Then a few months ago, after a series of events that I can look back at as the providential hand of God, I asked myself these questions…

"Are you ready to truly serve the Church? Would you be confident to reason through the scriptures with the broken and outcast? Do you know why you believe what you believe? "

… my answer to each question: nope. nada. 

I am SOOOO grateful to the Lord that He didn't allow these questions to send me on a tailspin. Just the opposite-- I started to pray. Like really pray! I pulled a few (of the MOST amazing and Godly) people around me to help me navigate it all… and then, His answer became clear...

… Seminary. Dallas Theological Seminary. 

Scary. Exciting. Thrilling. 

AHHH!!! I have always heard that Seminary is more of a cemetery. Hmm. I do realize that Seminary is NOT for everyone. I know that I am ill equipped to handle the testing, trying and shaking of my faith. BUT (there is the "but" again)… what happens in fire? what truly happens in trials? what happens when we step out of the boat, and into the wind and the waves? 

Refining. Completion. Water walking. 

SO… here I go! OH, to say that I am overwhelmed when I look at what the next 5 months will bring… would be an understatement! I mean, I am walking away from my job at Billy Graham, need someone to rent my apartment for 3 months and still am in the process of completing my application! WOW. And, in all honesty, I am about 86% sure about this decision (which is another blog post for another day)… but just like my friend Sophie says… "IT'S A FAITH WALK" (THANKS SOPH!!!) … and to go off on a little tangent, I am forever grateful for the handful of sweet, sweet friends that fueled this walk of faith by their prayers and encouragement!!! thank you all sooo crazy much!

Really, I don't want regrets. I don't want "what if's". I want to stand before my Lord one day and know that I emptied myself fully for the cause of Christ saying…"wherever, whenever, whatever you have for me, I will take it willingly and love you as we walk together"...

Journeying onward!

Love, 

Nandi 

Gossip.

Those that walk closest with me know that the last year has been extremely difficult for me, both professionally and personally. I found myself in unfamiliar territory and facing challenges that showed me what was REALLY in my heart. Just to name a few… I have seen spiritual pride, experienced crippling fear and battled discouragement and even cynicism. Lets just say, it hasn't been real pretty.  You can imagine that I have been expectant about 2015… and have put my car on cruise control :) You know, Thanksgiving…Christmas…cakes…icecream…presents…2015. 

Apparently God didn't get a copy of my script.

Let me start here. I am a verbal processor. I am. Most women are in some way or another. And us verbal processors have to be careful about what we say. Really, we have to be careful about what we think about and what is in our hearts, because eventually it will make its way out of our mouths. Oh, IT WILL. I promise you. 

This is exactly what happened to me a little over a week ago. I sat down with a well-respected leader in my life. Someone that I trust immensly and I was just SO sure would understand my frustrations. I started explaining myself… 

"...yeah, she makes me so mad… and I even went so far as to tell him about her and…" 

He stopped me dead in my tracks. He said, "Nandi, you shouldn't have talked about her with another person… you should have gone directly to her. It's not biblical. You need to go and tell her what you have done". 

I felt as small as an ant. Maybe as small as a fruitfly. Yeah, a fruitfly. It was official. I was a gossip. I had been slandering. I wanted to hide. 

What happened next was a first for me. I sat down across the table from the person I had been gossiping about and did one of the hardest things I have ever done. I said… "I have been talking about you…my pride and selfishness stopped me from doing what is right and coming directly to you…it's slander, I know it…I am ashamed of what I have done…please forgive me."  ( I will say, I didn't do it perfectly and wasn't given any real help or direction on how to do something like this :( I did find a great book and podcast AFTER this conversation…they are mentioned at the bottom of this post!)

As I sat there across the table from one of God's beloved daughters, I realized that sin truly has a high price… my sin had cost me so much. It just cost me my integrity, put a wedge between me and the Lord and damaged a relationship that might never be restored. I cried. She cried. And there were no hugs at the end. Just lots and lots of pain. 

That was a little over a week ago. And, over the last 7 days, I have had some time to think, pray and try and figure out how in the world I got where I did. And although there are SO many things I could list, it really all boils down to one thing.

I lessened my sin. 

Honestly, gossip wasn't a sin to me. It wasn't in the same vicinity as doing drugs or having sex outside of marriage. Gossip wasn't even on my own personal continuum of sin. I was being my own God. I was making my own list of right and wrong. I excused myself and decided I was the exception. So grieving.  

Plain and simple...gossip and sowing discord are an abomination to God. (Prov. 6:16-19) And as I have repented for my choices to the Lord and in that room last week, I have realized the heaviness of sin, and the grace and strength that is released through the gift of repentance. 

Let me say, I want to do better. 

I don't want to talk about people behind their backs. I don't want to slander and then say "I shouldn't have said that" just to make myself feel better. But, it is clear that I can't on my own. I want to give in to my flesh. I want to get my own way. Me, Nandi, in myself… I can't do anything good or right. 

OH, how I need the Holy Spirit's help…really bad. And with his help… I can grow each day. And hopefully, look more like him as I lean into Him for help to choose his way… not my own. 

Thanking him already for the ways that he will meet me the next time I face a temptation to gossip! Choosing to bury my little face in the bible and meditate on what it says about speaking life, loving God, taking up my cross and following Jesus!

What am I really saying??!! Lets not lessen our sin anymore and cheapen Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lets call it what it is, turn from it, and live to reflect the Glory of God in every area of our lives! 

Impossible. Yes. Possible. Yes. 

Journeying onward. 

PS- I bought an AMAZING book called "The Peace Maker" by Ken Sandee that is ALL about how confront, face and resolve conflict in a healthy, Godly way. It is soooo GOOD! Also, if you have a desire to really grow in this area… this podcast has been so helpful to me... 

Biblical Peacemaking- Reconciling and Amending by Matt Chandler, The Village Church