Gossip.

Those that walk closest with me know that the last year has been extremely difficult for me, both professionally and personally. I found myself in unfamiliar territory and facing challenges that showed me what was REALLY in my heart. Just to name a few… I have seen spiritual pride, experienced crippling fear and battled discouragement and even cynicism. Lets just say, it hasn't been real pretty.  You can imagine that I have been expectant about 2015… and have put my car on cruise control :) You know, Thanksgiving…Christmas…cakes…icecream…presents…2015. 

Apparently God didn't get a copy of my script.

Let me start here. I am a verbal processor. I am. Most women are in some way or another. And us verbal processors have to be careful about what we say. Really, we have to be careful about what we think about and what is in our hearts, because eventually it will make its way out of our mouths. Oh, IT WILL. I promise you. 

This is exactly what happened to me a little over a week ago. I sat down with a well-respected leader in my life. Someone that I trust immensly and I was just SO sure would understand my frustrations. I started explaining myself… 

"...yeah, she makes me so mad… and I even went so far as to tell him about her and…" 

He stopped me dead in my tracks. He said, "Nandi, you shouldn't have talked about her with another person… you should have gone directly to her. It's not biblical. You need to go and tell her what you have done". 

I felt as small as an ant. Maybe as small as a fruitfly. Yeah, a fruitfly. It was official. I was a gossip. I had been slandering. I wanted to hide. 

What happened next was a first for me. I sat down across the table from the person I had been gossiping about and did one of the hardest things I have ever done. I said… "I have been talking about you…my pride and selfishness stopped me from doing what is right and coming directly to you…it's slander, I know it…I am ashamed of what I have done…please forgive me."  ( I will say, I didn't do it perfectly and wasn't given any real help or direction on how to do something like this :( I did find a great book and podcast AFTER this conversation…they are mentioned at the bottom of this post!)

As I sat there across the table from one of God's beloved daughters, I realized that sin truly has a high price… my sin had cost me so much. It just cost me my integrity, put a wedge between me and the Lord and damaged a relationship that might never be restored. I cried. She cried. And there were no hugs at the end. Just lots and lots of pain. 

That was a little over a week ago. And, over the last 7 days, I have had some time to think, pray and try and figure out how in the world I got where I did. And although there are SO many things I could list, it really all boils down to one thing.

I lessened my sin. 

Honestly, gossip wasn't a sin to me. It wasn't in the same vicinity as doing drugs or having sex outside of marriage. Gossip wasn't even on my own personal continuum of sin. I was being my own God. I was making my own list of right and wrong. I excused myself and decided I was the exception. So grieving.  

Plain and simple...gossip and sowing discord are an abomination to God. (Prov. 6:16-19) And as I have repented for my choices to the Lord and in that room last week, I have realized the heaviness of sin, and the grace and strength that is released through the gift of repentance. 

Let me say, I want to do better. 

I don't want to talk about people behind their backs. I don't want to slander and then say "I shouldn't have said that" just to make myself feel better. But, it is clear that I can't on my own. I want to give in to my flesh. I want to get my own way. Me, Nandi, in myself… I can't do anything good or right. 

OH, how I need the Holy Spirit's help…really bad. And with his help… I can grow each day. And hopefully, look more like him as I lean into Him for help to choose his way… not my own. 

Thanking him already for the ways that he will meet me the next time I face a temptation to gossip! Choosing to bury my little face in the bible and meditate on what it says about speaking life, loving God, taking up my cross and following Jesus!

What am I really saying??!! Lets not lessen our sin anymore and cheapen Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lets call it what it is, turn from it, and live to reflect the Glory of God in every area of our lives! 

Impossible. Yes. Possible. Yes. 

Journeying onward. 

PS- I bought an AMAZING book called "The Peace Maker" by Ken Sandee that is ALL about how confront, face and resolve conflict in a healthy, Godly way. It is soooo GOOD! Also, if you have a desire to really grow in this area… this podcast has been so helpful to me... 

Biblical Peacemaking- Reconciling and Amending by Matt Chandler, The Village Church