Beloved…uncovering God's love

About 8 months ago, I started to pray "God, show me your love for me". Like I said in my last blog post, I didn't even know what I was asking for. Mentors and leaders in my life would say that they were praying this over my life, but I just didn't see how understanding God's love for me would really help me. I was insecure. I was overwhelmed. I was spinning. I was tormented. I was confused. I read scriptures that said it didn't have to be this way… but, it was...

At the beginning of this journey, I didn't know what it really meant to have a revelation of God's love. I felt like I had somewhat of an understanding that God loved the world-- and that He sent his son to pay the price for me to not spend eternity in separation from God.  And, in my eyes-- in a weird way, it was like I had just barely got in… like God said "alright… I'll take her too".  I lived in a constant feeling of walking a tight rope and God was correcting my every move.

Makes me exhausted just thinking about it. 

But, when you are in the middle of such a legalistic, law based mentality-- it is exhausting. It is almost like you can never catch your breath. In the law economy… do bad means, get bad. Do good, means get good-- and really, nothing is really ever good. Its a lose, lose situation. 3 words. I. Felt. Stuck. 

I had no idea how to get out of this, but I decided that I might as well try something different, because the life I was living was suffocating and paralyzing. So, I tried love and grace instead. Novel idea huh??!!

…first I read a book called "He Loves Me!" By Wayne Jacobsen. Wow. Everyone needs to read this book.  I will just share one quote from it… 

"[God] is not interested in your service or sacrifice. He only wants you 

to know how much you are loved, hoping that you will chose to love him in return. Understand that, and everything else about your life will fall into place; 

miss that, and nothing else will make any difference". 

At the end of each chapter, there were these questions and prayer points-- they all suggested to ask God to reveal His  love, and who He really is. SO, I did that. I would love to say that it just sunk in right away, but it didn't. I felt it sometimes, but not a others. L,R,L,R… the journey continued. 

Also, I started to listen to more worship songs about God's love for me…about receiving His love. Again, I could probably list about 15 that are amazing-- but, here are a few that have been on repeat! All He Says I Am by Cody Carnes, Faith is Rising and Abba by Jonathan David Helser and Melissa Helser. And, I didn't just play the songs. I have felt the Lord actually helping me to push away distractions and open my heart to hear Him say "You are my favorite"… wow. 

I kept praying… knowing that I was on a journey. 

… then about 4 weeks ago I started reading a book called "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. I wept almost all the way through the first 3 chapters of the book. Chapter 3 is called "Beloved"-- and it was all about His love for me. His heart for me. Who I am to Him as His chosen Beloved daughter. Two quotes...

“Our identity rests in God's relentless tenderness for us revealed in Jesus Christ.” 

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” 

Here is where the tables turned… I mean, really, the tables were flipped upside down! I started to realize, and God started to really give me a revelation that He loved me first. His love was first. SO, really...me loving him back is only a response to him loving me, first. I means, he picked me out. He didn't just feel sorry for me, he actually accepted me!!! He didn't just say "oh well, I guess Nandi will do", instead he said something like, "Yes… there she is! I love when we get to be together". 

For me, this means freedom. Freedom from people pleasing. Freedom from fitting in. Freedom from comparison. It means that I have value, not because I pray, or am nice, or forgive people-- because I had value first!!! He gave me value! SO, me praying, me being nice, and me forgiving people that hurt me is in response to a loving relationship with my Abba. 

And, now… his voice sounds different. Being in his presence feels more like a sweet, weightless time, and less about proving to Him (as if he is asking me to!!!) that I deserve to be in His presence. I am hearing him say "I love you Nandi"… "Let's talk about it"…"Remember, my hope does not disappoint". So tender. So kind. 

I'll end this blog by saying-- if you are on a journey of wanting a greater understanding of God's love and ultimately His grace.. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Celebrate the small victories. My mentor in Nashville says "If you take 3 steps forward, and 1 back… it's still 2 forward". So true!!! I had to do just that. It's a journey… but, keep praying and know that those seeds have to go down deep to take it from head knowledge, to heart knowledge!! And-- the time can't be forced… let the Lord do it in His timing!!! 

Click the Link below to listen to 2 of the songs I mentioned... 

Faith is Rising
All He Says I Am

The simplicity of… His Voice

Have you ever prayed something and then realized that you aren't quite sure if you would really be able to tell when/if that prayer was actually answered!!!??  Well, I have been praying for a revelation of God's love for me for the past few months…. and I think that it is actually starting to happen!!! It feels like finally a new turn has happened in the season that I have been in…one that I am excited for and am finding myself looking forward to with expectation!

You see...I am falling in love with Jesus all over again. I am. 

It started when, earlier this week, the Lord started to pull me away to take minutes throughout my day to quiet my thoughts and just hear His voice. At first, I was really timid. Timid and not really believing that I could trust myself to hear him-- because of the emotions that I have dealt with in this season. But, I took the plunge. And I am so glad I did!!!

He started to speak into the deepest places in my heart.  

About his love for me.  About how much he cares about my heart. About what is in his heart for me and my future. And, the things that he has been saying to me, really are overwhelming… and I have found myself at times just weeping. 

There is so much that I could write about the things that He has said to me.. but, that really isn't the point at all :) Its just about the fact that He speaks. The God of the universe speaks. The most powerful being and the creator of all things, speaks…to us. As I have been on this whole grace journey-- I have realized that God's voice used to be hard and harsh and cutting. A year ago, He was always correcting and always after something wrong in me… and slowly, and with much patience… this week I started to hear a soft, loving, gentle, encouraging, tender, merciful sound in His voice. It's like I started to open my heart to the slight possibility that God could be for me… that God could be pleased with me… that God could love me just as I am. And, I am so thankful that I did-- because, I have to be honest… this tone of his voice, I want to hear all the time! Its making me want to run to him, not away from him. Pretty sure that is what it should feel like to be in a love relationship with God… to find comfort in His voice!

I'll just have to end with this… something that God said to me on my run tonight... 

"I want you to see me as the one who loves you the most… and as we walk together, you will see that my love will be enough". 

So, lets all be more mindful to come to God as we are…and really believe that He wants to speak to us. Let's close out the distractions of the moment, and take 30 seconds to open our spiritual ears to hear from him. And, lets do it knowing and being convinced of how much he loves us…because he does!!!

Thankfulness… a change in perspective

I am in counseling. There… I said it. Its out there… haha!!! And, just to be honest, I love going! Well, not in the same way as "I love pizza" or " I love clothes from Anthro"… but, I do love it :) And… I am so thankful because I love my counselor-- she is a gift to my little heart!!! She is kind and gentle… and I can tell that she really loves the Lord… bonus!!! 

So, today was a counseling day for me. I usually wake up a little anxious about where my session will go. As I headed to work, I was giving my heart to the Lord, and felt like today was going to be a day where I should walk in thanksgiving-- and make the choice to be thankful. In all things. In everything. I set on to do just that…

I was distracted pretty much all morning, and just chose not to start this journey yet :) Around noon, I decided I would put my headphones on and listened to a podcast from my church called "Gratitude" from last Sunday. One of the things that Pastor Derek said was "…your thankfulness doesn't make God come on the scene, but just makes you aware that he was already there". (Link Below) So, I went on my afternoon walk for my break. I started saying out loud… 

"I thank you Lord … for your love for me… for your heart towards me… that you speak to me…that you give me peace…for my job...

...and on and on for just a few minutes, and then I realized that I was running out of things to be thankful for (which is a whole other blog it itself!!!). And, I leaned into the Lord, and the next part that came out of my mouth hit my heart. 

"Lord I thank you that you value me"

My eyes started to water… it rang in my heart, over and over. He values me. Wait… he values me?? Just as I am? He really values me. He actually values who I am, not just what I do. He values me as I am a work in progress, and as I am on a journey… he values me. 

As I started speaking words of thanksgiving and thankfulness to the Lord, it was like my heart opened up. In speaking words of gratitude and life, my perspective started to shift. And then, it was like through my words of thanksgiving, my spiritual eyes and heart were opened to the Lord in a really sweet way…and I felt the His presence and became aware of his LOVE towards me!!! 

It was exactly what I heard earlier in the podcast from my church…God was already there, I just became aware of him! 

To end my afternoon, I went to counseling-- and it was so sweet to walk in and take with me my value in the Lord!! As my counselor and I walked through some hard stuff in my life, I shared openly and honestly about my past (well…I really tried at least!!). One of my struggles, as my counselor would tell you, is that the enemy has taken my past and heaped shame and guilt over me. We talk about being aware of his lies at the end our sessions sometimes-- and it is really helpful!!! Today, as I left… instead of combating the enemy with my energy, I rested in my value. And, that was enough!!! 

Thanksfulness… it really can change your perspective!!!

Oh, and listen to this podcast… actually, listen to all of them! SO good!!!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/derek-turner-gratitude/id559791603?i=163310135&mt=2