At the beginning of this journey, I didn't know what it really meant to have a revelation of God's love. I felt like I had somewhat of an understanding that God loved the world-- and that He sent his son to pay the price for me to not spend eternity in separation from God. And, in my eyes-- in a weird way, it was like I had just barely got in… like God said "alright… I'll take her too". I lived in a constant feeling of walking a tight rope and God was correcting my every move.
Makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
But, when you are in the middle of such a legalistic, law based mentality-- it is exhausting. It is almost like you can never catch your breath. In the law economy… do bad means, get bad. Do good, means get good-- and really, nothing is really ever good. Its a lose, lose situation. 3 words. I. Felt. Stuck.
I had no idea how to get out of this, but I decided that I might as well try something different, because the life I was living was suffocating and paralyzing. So, I tried love and grace instead. Novel idea huh??!!
…first I read a book called "He Loves Me!" By Wayne Jacobsen. Wow. Everyone needs to read this book. I will just share one quote from it…
"[God] is not interested in your service or sacrifice. He only wants you
to know how much you are loved, hoping that you will chose to love him in return. Understand that, and everything else about your life will fall into place;
miss that, and nothing else will make any difference".
At the end of each chapter, there were these questions and prayer points-- they all suggested to ask God to reveal His love, and who He really is. SO, I did that. I would love to say that it just sunk in right away, but it didn't. I felt it sometimes, but not a others. L,R,L,R… the journey continued.
Also, I started to listen to more worship songs about God's love for me…about receiving His love. Again, I could probably list about 15 that are amazing-- but, here are a few that have been on repeat! All He Says I Am by Cody Carnes, Faith is Rising and Abba by Jonathan David Helser and Melissa Helser. And, I didn't just play the songs. I have felt the Lord actually helping me to push away distractions and open my heart to hear Him say "You are my favorite"… wow.
I kept praying… knowing that I was on a journey.
… then about 4 weeks ago I started reading a book called "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning. I wept almost all the way through the first 3 chapters of the book. Chapter 3 is called "Beloved"-- and it was all about His love for me. His heart for me. Who I am to Him as His chosen Beloved daughter. Two quotes...
“Our identity rests in God's relentless tenderness for us revealed in Jesus Christ.”
“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”
Here is where the tables turned… I mean, really, the tables were flipped upside down! I started to realize, and God started to really give me a revelation that He loved me first. His love was first. SO, really...me loving him back is only a response to him loving me, first. I means, he picked me out. He didn't just feel sorry for me, he actually accepted me!!! He didn't just say "oh well, I guess Nandi will do", instead he said something like, "Yes… there she is! I love when we get to be together".
For me, this means freedom. Freedom from people pleasing. Freedom from fitting in. Freedom from comparison. It means that I have value, not because I pray, or am nice, or forgive people-- because I had value first!!! He gave me value! SO, me praying, me being nice, and me forgiving people that hurt me is in response to a loving relationship with my Abba.
And, now… his voice sounds different. Being in his presence feels more like a sweet, weightless time, and less about proving to Him (as if he is asking me to!!!) that I deserve to be in His presence. I am hearing him say "I love you Nandi"… "Let's talk about it"…"Remember, my hope does not disappoint". So tender. So kind.
I'll end this blog by saying-- if you are on a journey of wanting a greater understanding of God's love and ultimately His grace.. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Celebrate the small victories. My mentor in Nashville says "If you take 3 steps forward, and 1 back… it's still 2 forward". So true!!! I had to do just that. It's a journey… but, keep praying and know that those seeds have to go down deep to take it from head knowledge, to heart knowledge!! And-- the time can't be forced… let the Lord do it in His timing!!!
Click the Link below to listen to 2 of the songs I mentioned...
No comments:
Post a Comment