Whew… what a journey I have been on the past 9 months. A journey of walking deeper in the love of my father. A journey of living my life from that place of being loved by Him. It's a paradigm shift. It's a new mind. Its a new heart. And its amazing!!!
I started praying a prayer at the end of 2012 that went something like this… "show me what is really me-- the real me." What I really was asking the Lord to do was to show me 2 things… #1… who is "Nandi" in her friendships-- but apart from fear, insecurity or comparison. #2…what gifts has God given me that are purely from him...
So, the past year or so has been this slow chipping away at "Nandi". At me-- or honestly, what I thought was really me! I started out with this list…
I knew that…
I love to serve others.
Friendships are so important to me-- and I am loyal.
I enjoy a good heartfelt conversation.
It brings me joy to see people walk in their gifts.
I love transformation.
I like being in front of people in public situations.
I desire to make others around me look better.
I like working hard.
I like making spreadsheets.
I enjoy looking at the big picture, but breaking it down to small chunks.
I am a good friend and enjoy getting to know people in a deeper way.
I enjoy systems and am always looking at a better way to do things.
I fight for friendships-- especially ones I care about.
I love the idea of family.
I like to give thoughtful gifts.
I am a verbal processor.
I want to be married.
I give words of affirmation-- and need that back, not much… just some.
I write long emails.
I like to think about things and analyze situations.
I enjoy laughing and making fun of myself.
...and so on and so on.
As I have gone on this journey of resting in the Father's love, he has slowly started uncovering the "real me". The person, honestly, that I feel like I was born to really be! As I am learning to rest in His love, I have found that less of my heart has been searching for significance in things outside of how He feels about me-- and as this change has happened, a few thing have happened. #1.. I am less and less concerned about what people think about me. Almost to a fault :) #2.. I am allowing other people to be who they are and not compare as much and #3.. I am embracing who I am-- being the best "me" I can be!!!
I was on a walk yesterday, and as I was talking about all of this to the Lord-- I heard him say… "You give glory to me by being you… I love your way about you… and the real you"
Isn't that true??!! But, how many of us really live from that place?!!! It is still a journey for me!!! I would venture to say that in order to get to the place of loving who you really are and living authentically you-- without comparison, without fear, without reservation… it starts with knowing the Father's love for you!!! Not just nodding and agreeing, but daily asking him to reveal it to you and planting it deep in your heart and the soul of who you are!
So-- what has happened with the list above??? Nothing. haha! Absolutely nothing!!! All of what I was before, were things that God put in me and how he made me… but, not things that I have embraced and "let out" of me all the time…and with everyone! That is what HAS happened… the me in the list above is finally coming out-- and if you come near me, you will most likely experience some part of me from the list above… wahoo!!!! And, now… I am me, not just with some people, or sometimes, but all the time!!! Well, at least more of the time than ever before :) SO, I am still a verbal processor, I like systems, enjoy good conversations… but, I am embracing these things about me instead of trying to change them!!! And, I am surrounding myself with people that not only enjoy these things about me, but they celebrate who I am… and don't walk away or give up on me when they see something that doesn't suit them!
I would encourage all of us to go on this journey… its one of freedom!!! Every time I have a chance to give an opinion about something, I ask myself "Am I agreeing because I am afraid??". When I am writing an email, I ask myself "Are you saying that because you are afraid they will think you are too much??". As I am honest with myself and with the Lord… He shows me the road less traveled. And, as I have made some decisions to let the real "me" stand up, I have found myself filled with more peace, joy and perspective!
Now..my life is more quiet.
my life is more full.
my life is more fun.
my life is more me.
All because He is teaching me to rest in his love, and live from that place of being loved by him. I am who I am!!!
A little while ago, I told a friend via text that "I hate myself, everything about myself" as tears ran down my face. Now, I can say that I am learning to love myself… and like myself too! Only God can change a heart from the inside out!!! I am one of those hearts…
Gratefully His…
Nandi
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