"Burn the Boats" - part 1.

So, yesterday during worship at church… in the middle of a song, I heard the Lord say "burn the boats". It totally took me by surprise-- and honestly, I dismissed it completely at first because it was so out of left field. But, then again and again and again, I kept hearing it. I actually felt like it was something he was saying to me and to another friend of mine. Anyway, I got home a few hours later and God was back on it again. "burn the boats". I kept hearing it over and over again. 

I vaguely remembered hearing some pastor or leader share the story of "burn the boats" in a message-- but I couldn't remember the story. I did what one does when you need to find out something, I Googled it :) Basically, the story goes that Hernando Cortez went to the land now called Mexico to try and "conquer" the people that lived on that land because the land had the potential for great wealth. Several other groups of explorers tried to conquer the land in past 600 years, but were unsuccessful and died trying. After several weeks, Cortez started hearing that some of his men wanted to retreat… stricken with fear because of (in their minds) the inevitability of death. So, Cortez took drastic measures-- he commanded his officials to "burn the boats". He knew that not having the option to retreat would give his men the desire, the drive and the persistence to conquer the land. He took away their safety net. He took away their "just in case". He took away their ability to retreat. All by burning the boats. 

Pretty much every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I was hearing "burn the boats". Then all day today, I have been hearing "burn the boats". So-- of course, I have been asking. And tonight, the Lord showed me that FOR ME, 

…"burning the boats" means… 

letting go of ideals, preconceived notions, scripted outcomes and immature mindsets of certain areas of my life…

As I was driving home tonight, the Lord showed me that my ideals about marriage have come from movies AND from idolizing marriages that I have seen from the outside. These ideals created longings for something that has stopped me from fully embracing my singleness!!! And honestly, it stopped me to the point where it made me believe that my purpose and reaching my dreams would only happen AFTER marriage and family. Why? Oh, because I have scripted outcomes of my husband and I traveling and doing ministry together. Why? Oh, because I am 31 and not married-- and really never dated. So, to me-- it followed that my purpose HAD to be connected to my husband, which is the reason that I have given myself for not fully stepping into it yet. WOW. 

The second thing that the Lord brought up was my ideals in HOW the path of fulfilling his dreams would be laid out for me. I always idolized the idea of being a part of a ministry for 30 years-- starting at an entry level, or even being a part of a church as a member at the beginning… and learning the in's and out's of that ministry. Of being a pillar that would go and grow with where it was going. In my head, doing that was the ONLY way to fulfill God's path for my life. WOW. 

Tonight, as I drove home from a dinner party from work…the Lord started talking to me about all of this and I wept the whole way home. You see, to "burn the boats" isn't just about not looking back when it comes to this stuff, it is about completely destroying the things that would stop me from looking fully into the future that God has for me!!! The future desires I have for family are totally from the Lord, but I am no longer waiting for a husband to launch fully into the life in ministry that I have always felt the Lord was calling me to. My desire to be a pillar in an organization is a huge part of my heart, but I no longer am fixated on how long that journey of being a pillar might take and letting go of where I feel like this journey should happen. 

God is truly up to something. He is "burning the boats"…. and as much as I can feel uncovered and exposed because my safety net of what I have always believed and always wanted is starting to go "up in flames"--I am also sensing in the deepest place in my heart that this "boat burning" is going to help unravel old mindsets even more in my life, and open me up to a whole new way of pursuing the plan and purpose that God has for me right now… in this season!

I guess my question is… what boats do we need to be open to the Lord "burning" in our lives??? Is it the boat of shame and fear...because it actually makes us feel like we need God more? Is it the boat of comparison… because comparison makes us feel better about ourselves?? Is it the boat of unforgiveness because if we forgive, we might have to actually face our part and walk in love???

Really, these boats are simply things that stop us from moving forward completely towards fullness in this current season! They are things that we are always looking back at that we hold on to as security blankets. I would venture to say that God has tried to set us from free these "boat" mindsets or habits… and we have put out that fire out because of fear… hmm….

Here we go. Burning the boats...

It's time to dream… again.

Lately, God has been "kicking up" some of the dreams in my heart. You know… the deep ones-- ones that I usually only talk to him about and very few people really know. You know those things that you really, really, really hope that God will do through your life, but you are afraid to admit to anyone out of fear that they will think you are prideful or crazy? Well, I have a few of these myself-- and I have totally pushed them out of my mind for 2 reasons…  #1.. "being faithful" with where I am… and #2…being afraid of dissapointment and being "wrong"...

I have been sensing the Lord doing this "kicking up" over the last 6 weeks or so-- but, in the last week I have felt those dreams really pressing on me.  Last weekend I went to the "Women of Faith" conference in Dallas, and was completely overwhelmed, to tears, in watching Kari Jobe lead us into intimacy with the Lord through worship… and listening to Priscilla Shirer speak. Of course I was overwhelmed by God's presence, BUT, honestly... I was more overwhelmed by being in the presence of regular, ordinary women… who were walking out their destiny, purpose and desire!!! Its like, they were all doing what they were born to do! That alone-- tears. 

Then, this past Thursday, I had lunch with a new favorite of mine, Donna… and my heart was really expectant!! We sat down and one of the first things that she asked me was "...what would you want to do as your job, if you could do anything… if money was no object… what is in your heart...". It was like she was giving me permission to dream… she was giving me an opportunity to go to a place in my heart that I normally shut off. As I began to tell her my dreams...and the things that I am afraid are "too big" for me to do and be… she lit up!!! She spoke life into my dreams… she spoke courage and hope into my dreams…. and she affirmed the gifts that God has given me!!! I could not have been more thankful for that time with her! It did something in me… in my heart… 

I would love to say that I have "arrived" and know exactly what feel like I was born to do… but, really it is just the beginning of the journey for me. So… here is what I have found myself doing in order to get a better idea of what is really in my heart to do, and be, and live...

… I am making a mental list of the things that I am natrually good at-- which are normally things that make other people feel overwhelmed. It is simple things like, figuring things out or making sense of chaos. 

… I am praying and asking God for more opportunities to use these gifts. Giving myself to him in a new way and pretty much saying to him, "here I am…"

...I am actively looking for places to start the "doing" part of walking out my dreams. 

For me, on the practical side… this looks like starting a small group at my house-- and leading volunteers at my church. In my heart, this is the way that I am moving in the direction of my dreams… and trusting God to do the rest!

My question is, how many of us really dream? Or do we just accept the status quo and reason away the things that God has put on our hearts? Do we really desire to see God pour through our lives in a way that stretches our faith, fills our hearts and brings life to those around us? Or, instead-- do we talk about all the reasons why we cant do things? Are we trying to make sure we are SURE of our dreams before stepping out? Or do we step out, and walk on water?

Lets dream again! Lets take the limits off! Lets encourage other people to do the things that God has put on their hearts! Lets go after new things and push ourselves! Lets move forward in fearless pursuit of our dreams! 

It really is just that simple. 

Will "the real me" please stand up??!!!

Whew… what a journey I have been on the past 9 months. A journey of walking deeper in the love of my father. A journey of living my life from that place of being loved by Him. It's a paradigm shift. It's a new mind. Its a new heart. And its amazing!!!

I started praying a prayer at the end of 2012 that went something like this… "show me what is really me-- the real me." What I really was asking the Lord to do was to show me 2 things… #1… who is "Nandi" in her friendships-- but apart from fear, insecurity or comparison. #2…what gifts has God given me that are purely from him...

So, the past year or so has been this slow chipping away at "Nandi". At me-- or honestly, what I thought was really me! I started out with this list… 

I knew that…

I love to serve others. 
Friendships are so important to me-- and I am loyal. 
I enjoy a good heartfelt conversation. 
It brings me joy to see people walk in their gifts. 
I love transformation. 
I like being in front of people in public situations.
I desire to make others around me look better. 
I like working hard.
I like making spreadsheets. 
I enjoy looking at the big picture, but breaking it down to small chunks.  
I am a good friend and enjoy getting to know people in a deeper way. 
I enjoy systems and am always looking at a better way to do things.
I fight for friendships-- especially ones I care about. 
I love the idea of family. 
I like to give thoughtful gifts.
I am a verbal processor.
I want to be married.
I give words of affirmation-- and need that back, not much… just some.
I write long emails.
I like to think about things and analyze situations. 
I enjoy laughing and making fun of myself. 
...and so on and so on. 

As I have gone on this journey of resting in the Father's love, he has slowly started uncovering the "real me". The person, honestly, that I feel like I was born to really be! As I am learning to rest in His love, I have found that less of my heart has been searching for significance in things outside of how He feels about me-- and as this change has happened, a few thing have happened. #1.. I am less and less concerned about what people think about me. Almost to a fault :) #2.. I am allowing other people to be who they are and not compare as much and #3.. I am embracing who I am-- being the best "me" I can be!!!

I was on a walk yesterday, and as I was talking about all of this to the Lord-- I heard him say… "You give glory to me by being you… I love your way about you… and the real you"

Isn't that true??!! But, how many of us really live from that place?!!! It is still a journey for me!!! I would venture to say that in order to get to the place of loving who you really are and living authentically you-- without comparison, without fear, without reservation… it starts with knowing the Father's love for you!!! Not just nodding and agreeing, but daily asking him to reveal it to you and planting it deep in your heart and the soul of who you are!

So-- what has happened with the list above??? Nothing. haha! Absolutely nothing!!! All of what I was before, were things that God put in me and how he made me… but, not things that I have embraced and "let out" of me all the time…and with everyone! That is what HAS happened… the me in the list above is finally coming out-- and if you come near me, you will most likely experience some part of me from the list above… wahoo!!!! And, now… I am me, not just with some people, or sometimes, but all the time!!! Well, at least more of the time than ever before :) SO, I am still a verbal processor, I like systems, enjoy good conversations… but, I am embracing these things about me instead of trying to change them!!! And, I am surrounding myself with people that not only enjoy these things about me, but they celebrate who I am… and don't walk away or give up on me when they see something that doesn't suit them! 

I would encourage all of us to go on this journey… its one of freedom!!! Every time I have a chance to give an opinion about something, I ask myself "Am I agreeing because I am afraid??". When I am writing an email, I ask myself "Are you saying that because you are afraid they will think you are too much??". As I am honest with myself and with the Lord… He shows me the road less traveled. And, as I have made some decisions to let the real "me" stand up, I have found myself filled with more peace, joy and perspective!

Now..my life is more quiet. 
my life is more full. 
my life is more fun. 
my life is more me. 

All because He is teaching me to rest in his love, and live from that place of being loved by him. I am who I am!!!

A little while ago, I told a friend via text that "I hate myself, everything about myself" as tears ran down my face. Now, I can say that I am learning to love myself… and like myself too! Only God can change a heart from the inside out!!! I am one of those hearts… 

Gratefully His… 

Nandi