New seasons. New chapters.

I'm not sure how to start this blog, so I will just dive right in. 

I'm moving… 

There, I said it! Finally, after 3 months of praying, searching, asking, sharing and fighting… I can now say that God is moving my heart towards a new city with new challenges and new opportunities. 

I'm moving to Dallas, TX. 

The last 3 years of my time in Charlotte has been difficult. I have shared some of that on this blog, but most of it is between me and my counselor :) It really has looked NOTHING like I thought it would...

...But. (You know, there is always a "but")…

In the quietness of the last 3 years, I found out some things about myself and my King that I wouldn't trade for anything! Really, I wouldn't. In the middle of all of the ups and downs, I found me. I found my voice. Really, my time in Charlotte has been a gracious and humbling gift from the hands of Jesus… as he gently and patiently pulled back the layers to show me… me. 

Just as I was "settling into" the normal rhythms of life here, God started to stir my heart to take a good, hard, long look at a few things :) And, I finally started asking myself some LIFE questions :) Have you ever done that?! Questions like…why am I here? what am I supposed to be doing? what are my gifts? And on and on. Patiently, privately and queitely… just me and Jesus. We talked. 

Then a few months ago, after a series of events that I can look back at as the providential hand of God, I asked myself these questions…

"Are you ready to truly serve the Church? Would you be confident to reason through the scriptures with the broken and outcast? Do you know why you believe what you believe? "

… my answer to each question: nope. nada. 

I am SOOOO grateful to the Lord that He didn't allow these questions to send me on a tailspin. Just the opposite-- I started to pray. Like really pray! I pulled a few (of the MOST amazing and Godly) people around me to help me navigate it all… and then, His answer became clear...

… Seminary. Dallas Theological Seminary. 

Scary. Exciting. Thrilling. 

AHHH!!! I have always heard that Seminary is more of a cemetery. Hmm. I do realize that Seminary is NOT for everyone. I know that I am ill equipped to handle the testing, trying and shaking of my faith. BUT (there is the "but" again)… what happens in fire? what truly happens in trials? what happens when we step out of the boat, and into the wind and the waves? 

Refining. Completion. Water walking. 

SO… here I go! OH, to say that I am overwhelmed when I look at what the next 5 months will bring… would be an understatement! I mean, I am walking away from my job at Billy Graham, need someone to rent my apartment for 3 months and still am in the process of completing my application! WOW. And, in all honesty, I am about 86% sure about this decision (which is another blog post for another day)… but just like my friend Sophie says… "IT'S A FAITH WALK" (THANKS SOPH!!!) … and to go off on a little tangent, I am forever grateful for the handful of sweet, sweet friends that fueled this walk of faith by their prayers and encouragement!!! thank you all sooo crazy much!

Really, I don't want regrets. I don't want "what if's". I want to stand before my Lord one day and know that I emptied myself fully for the cause of Christ saying…"wherever, whenever, whatever you have for me, I will take it willingly and love you as we walk together"...

Journeying onward!

Love, 

Nandi 

Gossip.

Those that walk closest with me know that the last year has been extremely difficult for me, both professionally and personally. I found myself in unfamiliar territory and facing challenges that showed me what was REALLY in my heart. Just to name a few… I have seen spiritual pride, experienced crippling fear and battled discouragement and even cynicism. Lets just say, it hasn't been real pretty.  You can imagine that I have been expectant about 2015… and have put my car on cruise control :) You know, Thanksgiving…Christmas…cakes…icecream…presents…2015. 

Apparently God didn't get a copy of my script.

Let me start here. I am a verbal processor. I am. Most women are in some way or another. And us verbal processors have to be careful about what we say. Really, we have to be careful about what we think about and what is in our hearts, because eventually it will make its way out of our mouths. Oh, IT WILL. I promise you. 

This is exactly what happened to me a little over a week ago. I sat down with a well-respected leader in my life. Someone that I trust immensly and I was just SO sure would understand my frustrations. I started explaining myself… 

"...yeah, she makes me so mad… and I even went so far as to tell him about her and…" 

He stopped me dead in my tracks. He said, "Nandi, you shouldn't have talked about her with another person… you should have gone directly to her. It's not biblical. You need to go and tell her what you have done". 

I felt as small as an ant. Maybe as small as a fruitfly. Yeah, a fruitfly. It was official. I was a gossip. I had been slandering. I wanted to hide. 

What happened next was a first for me. I sat down across the table from the person I had been gossiping about and did one of the hardest things I have ever done. I said… "I have been talking about you…my pride and selfishness stopped me from doing what is right and coming directly to you…it's slander, I know it…I am ashamed of what I have done…please forgive me."  ( I will say, I didn't do it perfectly and wasn't given any real help or direction on how to do something like this :( I did find a great book and podcast AFTER this conversation…they are mentioned at the bottom of this post!)

As I sat there across the table from one of God's beloved daughters, I realized that sin truly has a high price… my sin had cost me so much. It just cost me my integrity, put a wedge between me and the Lord and damaged a relationship that might never be restored. I cried. She cried. And there were no hugs at the end. Just lots and lots of pain. 

That was a little over a week ago. And, over the last 7 days, I have had some time to think, pray and try and figure out how in the world I got where I did. And although there are SO many things I could list, it really all boils down to one thing.

I lessened my sin. 

Honestly, gossip wasn't a sin to me. It wasn't in the same vicinity as doing drugs or having sex outside of marriage. Gossip wasn't even on my own personal continuum of sin. I was being my own God. I was making my own list of right and wrong. I excused myself and decided I was the exception. So grieving.  

Plain and simple...gossip and sowing discord are an abomination to God. (Prov. 6:16-19) And as I have repented for my choices to the Lord and in that room last week, I have realized the heaviness of sin, and the grace and strength that is released through the gift of repentance. 

Let me say, I want to do better. 

I don't want to talk about people behind their backs. I don't want to slander and then say "I shouldn't have said that" just to make myself feel better. But, it is clear that I can't on my own. I want to give in to my flesh. I want to get my own way. Me, Nandi, in myself… I can't do anything good or right. 

OH, how I need the Holy Spirit's help…really bad. And with his help… I can grow each day. And hopefully, look more like him as I lean into Him for help to choose his way… not my own. 

Thanking him already for the ways that he will meet me the next time I face a temptation to gossip! Choosing to bury my little face in the bible and meditate on what it says about speaking life, loving God, taking up my cross and following Jesus!

What am I really saying??!! Lets not lessen our sin anymore and cheapen Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Lets call it what it is, turn from it, and live to reflect the Glory of God in every area of our lives! 

Impossible. Yes. Possible. Yes. 

Journeying onward. 

PS- I bought an AMAZING book called "The Peace Maker" by Ken Sandee that is ALL about how confront, face and resolve conflict in a healthy, Godly way. It is soooo GOOD! Also, if you have a desire to really grow in this area… this podcast has been so helpful to me... 

Biblical Peacemaking- Reconciling and Amending by Matt Chandler, The Village Church

Oh Jealousy.

Jealousy. 

As I dive head first into this post, I think that it would be beneficial to set the stage. 

Earlier this month I had a lengthy catch up conversation with a friend of mine. We went back and forth, sharing our hearts and cheering one another on in the things of the Lord. When we ventured into the fears and challenges, she shared with me that there were some women in her life that were mean to her. I was actually speechless. You see, this friend of mine is selfless. She puts herself last, to put others first. She is such a servant. She cheers on other people like it's her job. 

Add then, I had an AHAAAA moment. They were just jealous. They were jealous of her, her family, her gifts…her. 

As I shared my deep epiphany with her, I said something like "what you need to do is surround yourself with people like me, who aren't jealous of who you are. I want to cheer you on and see you be all that God has called you to be."  AND, I am happy to share that I meant every. single. word. Those that know me best, know that jealousy has been a form of kryptonite for me the last 10 years. So, this was a moment that I could have just waded in alllllllll day. 

Then this week...

I saw something. I overheard something. And I came face-to-face with someone else getting what I want. Not just in anything, but in something that I WANT. Really badly. And have wanted for like 5 years. 

My heart started to harden. I wanted that, and didn't want them to have it. "What is wrong with you?" I kept thinking to myself. Then I realized that my long lost friend came to pay a little visit...

Jealousy. 

So sneaky. So unpredictable. So sly. So painful. So frustrating. So crippling. My mind was spinning with lies and facts. I started to become overwhelmed with what I was facing on the inside and on the outside. 

What did I do next? I complained to the Lord. I told him why I deserved to get what I want. I explained to him that I had been waiting for what they were getting. Basically, I took the whole "be honest with God" thing to a whole new level. It was all I had… and it didn't help. Shocker. 

Then tonight. 

I was on a run and Jesus started to talk to me about this whole jealousy thing. And, I was ready for it. I was ready for him to say "okay, first do this… and next, do that" or, "how could you, Nandi? Don't you trust my love for you? Sheesh". I braced myself. 

In the next moment, Psalm 103:2 came up in my heart. 

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all of his benefits". 

I had nothing to lose, so I just went for it. I recited, out loud, the benefits of knowing Jesus. I am forgiven…I am free…I am redeemed…my name is in the Book of Life. 

Then, something really neat started to happen. My heart started to well up with gratitude and remembrance of the faithfulness of God in the very area that I am struggling with at the moment… Jealousy. I recalled moments last year when I literally thought I was going to come apart because a friend was getting married, or going on a date. Babies being born. Dream jobs being given out. Books being published. He brought me through. He helped me to express heartfelt and honest celebration for those that were on the receiving such wonderful gifts from Him. 

As I turned the last corner of the walk back to my apartment, Phil 1:6 dropped into my little mind..."And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

He that has begun a good work in me, will complete it. 

He will complete it. Completely. 

I would love to say that the jealousy just up and vanished. It didn't. But, what did happen was much more than that… I embraced the label "work in progress" and was reminded that my part is to position myself at the feet of Jesus, and his part is to complete the work that he is doing in my life. 

I know that I will find Him faithful. You will too. 

Journeying onward. 

Nandi 

The Chasm.

The Truth has been on my mind. 

...Where did I get what I believe is the Truth about God? What is it that has formed what I believe about Jesus and His life, death, resurrection, ascension and return? Who have I copied without first checking what I was being taught by the written word of God? 

These questions all started with an ongoing conversation that I have had with a new sweet friend of mine. Her and I have been talking for a while about being "other"-- and as we have talked and prayed and discussed the word of God together, I have found that much of what I have thought as radically devoted to God is actually… normal, biblical Christianity. 

I mean, looking at just the Gospels, we see Jesus telling His followers...

…to take up your cross and lose your life

…that murder and adultery actually happens at intent

…that forgiveness is not realized at a certain number

…that the mouth gives an open view of the heart

As I have been reading my bible again with a desire for it to show me what is in my own heart, I have found myself being confronted with the chasm that separates how I actually live from what I read in the Truth of God's word. 

Let me give you an example. 

Just recently I had a conversation with someone that really bothered me. Like really bothered me. And, at first, I was so righteously angry at the other person for sharing something inappropriate and seemingly spiteful about another believer. As I thought about it more and more, I found myself almost in tears. Then, I heard the gentle and loving whisper of the Holy Spirit... 

..."Nandi, why are you so angry?"... 

I fumbled a bit. Then, I told Jesus that I was mad at what had been said and started pointing the finger at the other person. "Well, Jesus, they said…, and then it made me feel….". He let me just talk and talk and talk, and when I had finally taken a breath... ever so lovingly, the Holy Sprit started to flash scenes in my mind of conversations that I had had just recently that were ALMOST IDENTICAL to what I had experienced, EXCEPT that I was the one speaking slanderously. I was the one who was sharing things that I had no business talking about. Things that were not edifying, strengthening or encouraging. They were ugly, mean and spiteful. Really, all from a place of my own insecurity and giving in to gossip. Ugh. 

Thats when I began to cry and just ask God for his forgiveness. I was so grieved by my own sin and ugliness. 

In a moment, the Holy Spirit brought a phrase that a really respected leader in my life said to a group that I was in… he said, "don't say or start any conversation with someone, about someone else, that you wouldn't finish if that person walked right up to you". Wow. Isn't that so opposite from the world? But, wait… to go a step further, I am starting to see that this way of living is so opposite of MY own Christianity. Doesn't the bible say that others will know us by our love, one to another? Man. I sure did miss that boat!

So, what next on this journey? I mean what do I do with all of this? Honestly, I am not 100% sure what it will look like on the outside, but I know that I have had some decisions to make on the inside when it comes to the Truth... 

I have made the decision to believe the word of God, no matter what. I have decided that the bible is true when it talks about caring for widows and orphans, and when it talks about the bountiful riches we receive in the family of God. I have decided that the bible is true when it says that lying is a sin, and when it talks about the abounding love of Christ available to us who believe.  

I have decided to take the entire bible as the Truth, not just parts that feel really good… and I have to admit, its been an interesting journey!

And actually, in all of this… it has made me realize more and more in the deepest places of my heart that without His grace, His power, His help, His forgiveness and His leading… I will continue to give in to the temptation to make the Almighty into an image that I can wrap my mind around. Let's just say that the whisper that has come out of my mouth more lately than any other time in my walk with Jesus has been, "help me"... 

In the end, I am learning that what I have been told, believed and seen as radical is actually...normal. So, I guess this season is all about...

A new normal. 

(journeying onward)

The Gospel.

Those that walk the closest with me know that I have spent the past 4 months doing stuff with college campus ministries. Really, mostly, learning the college culture nowadays-- and getting my swag on. haha! Actually, I have been learning so much about the next generation and the things that college students are facing in today's society. Drugs. Sexual purity. Alcohol. Pressure. Sexuality. Left to themselves to find their way, you can imagine where that leads...

Over the last 7 years or so, sex-trafficking has become a household term. I remember the first time I heard it, I almost didn't know how to process the idea that girls were being sold for sex. Not sure if I can even say it was overwhelming. I think that I was more "blank". And, over the last few years, I have learned just a little bit about it. The evil. The pure disregard for human life. The shame connected to it. And, that it happens all over the world… even the U.S. Again, you can imagine the life altering affect this has on a young girl…

And, lately… shootings. Just in the last 10 days I have read or heard about 3 of them. In different areas, with different motives, and different situations. But, shootings. Innocent people being killed. 

Its like, one morning they got dressed to go to work, just like I did this morning. 

Then, they drove in to work and spent the day at a cubicle, just like I did today. 

Maybe, then they decided to go shopping or workout at the Y, just like I did tonight. 

And, they were shot and killed. Innocent victims. Someone's daughter. Someone's mom. Someones son or cousin. 

I found myself on the stair climber tonight watching the news of a shooting today, and felt fear come over me. What if someone came in here and just started shooting. Instantly, I started thinking "this is all just too much. Maybe I should be more careful about where I go."

Then, Jesus spoke to me. "Reach out to these people around you." 

I started to look around, and felt the weightedness of the opportunity that I have today to lend a smile, have a conversation, or start a friendship with someone that is outside of my safe, Christian bubble. I found myself saying in my heart, "I wonder if these shooters (or sex traffickers) had Christians that were around them?" I mean, did God tug on someone's heart to share the love of the Gospel with them? I wonder. 

I look at all the opportunities I have to join the Holy Spirit in what He is doing on the earth in the lives of people-- and I am grieved by how I have allowed myself to become so selfish and self-centered with my prayers and with my time. And, I have wept over my fears of how I will be perceived if I pray for someone at the grocery store. I am so saddened by the way that I have emptied the power out of the Gospel by not believing fully the life found in it. It is the power of God unto salvation for those that believe…and the more I read it with a desire to share it with others, I am overwhelmed by the welcoming nature of the Gospel. All are welcome…but, they must be told. We have to tell them… "there is room at the Cross. Come, sit next to me"…

Rescuing sex trafficking victims and heightening gun laws are a MUST. I love what Christine Cain is doing with the A21 Campaign, and am so thankful for her bravery-- and for what God is doing to restore the lives of the girls that are being rescued! My question, though, is what about the men that are selling these girls? My question is, what about the parents of the 16 year old girl that is exposing her to deep racial hatred? These people that act out in such violence, are hopeless and hurting. THEY, too, need to hear about the Good News of forgiveness and healing. We can rescue, and we can educate… but only Jesus can heal the deepest longing of those that are committing these acts. Only Jesus can come into their hearts and make them clean. Only Jesus, because of His death, burial, resurrection and ascension, can give life and true hope. Lasting and full. 

I don't know. I'm not sure how to "end" this post. I guess, I would just ask that we, as Christians, would be more aware of those around us… those that are in need of Jesus. Personally, I have felt deeply challenged the last few days to take some time to learn how to really present and explain the Gospel...in its entirety. 

God. Sin. Separation. Redemption. Jesus. The Cross. Repentance. New Life. 

Lets take steps to not just "be the gospel without using words", and lets actually take steps to articulate the Gospel with love, compassion and truth. 

I admit that I have never prayed with someone to give their lives to Jesus. Never. 

My prayer is that this year, that will change. 

Idols.

This morning when I woke up (really, when I dragged my tired self out of bed) to read my bible and pray, the Holy Spirit started to talk to me about 1 thing. 

Idols. 

Let me rewind. Last night, Wendy and I went to hear Kim Walker-Smith and Katie Torwalt in "concert". As the worship started, and I started talking to Jesus about certain relationships, needing direction and such… I realized that I have been down this road before. It looks a little like... "Jesus, help me to not be hurt… Jesus, I am hurt…I am done, I don't care anymore… why is it always like this for me…". Last night as I talked to Him, I heard deep in my heart the question, "And, why is this always an issue?". I perked up. My response… "umm, I don't know."

He said to me..."Idols. You care about what people think more than you care about what I think. You want relationships with people more than you want a living relationship with me. You desire approval from people more than you desire approval from me. You want to belong to others more than you want to belong to me."


I cry a lot, and although there were many tears… I got pretty quiet. In that moment, with Jesus talking into the deepest places in my heart, I realized that I had missed it for so many years. I realized that I had exalted so many things above my love for Jesus.

You see, idols in my life are hard to spot… at least from my perspective. As I made my "these are my idols" list in my head… here are words that came up. Prestige. Success. Likeability. Being important. Being right. 

Aren't these okay things? Yes. And no. 

I mean I CAN idolize money, and get a lack of peace in return.  I CAN idolize being liked or a position, and gain spinning thoughts of comparison.  I CAN idolize success, and get anxiety as my return. 

Not so sure I like what this whole "idol" thing is doing in my heart and life. I think I'll go on a journey of placing my trust fully in Jesus instead. I give him my idols, and he gives me strength, peace, fullness, hope and trust. And, as I have trusted him today a little more, my list of idols are slowly losing strength in my life. And, I am so thankful. 

Yup. Yup. Journeying onward, 

Nandi 

All you gotta do is answer...

There is so much that God is doing in me, its almost hard to pick just one thing. But, I will. hehe. 

Let me start with a story. A few weeks ago we had a forreal snowmageddon. It was AWFUL! Well, actually. Being stuck in my house for 2 days straight was annoying. Watching Netflix and eating carbs was awesome! haha. Well, eventually I had to get back out into the real world, get the snow off of my car and drive my car on those icy roads. And, lets just say, I was NOT thrilled. Actually, I was scared…terrified was more like it. I didn't have an ice scraper or anything of the sort, so I put on gloves and covered my hands with plastic ziplock bags. Yup, ziplock bags! It was the best I could do...and if I didn't laugh at myself, I would have cried. As I got ready to go outside, I was trying to be strong and quiet the lies… "see you are alone again and no one is here to help you", "you don't know what you are doing, you look ridiculous". As I attempted to scrape the snow off with my hands, I kept thinking "I hope no one sees me out here because I look crazy"… I mean, I wanted the help. I needed the help. But, didn't have a neighbor to ask or anyone to come over. I just felt stuck. 

Then a truck came turning the corner towards me. I hid myself a little and tried to look busy… but, he stopped anyway and rolled his window down. After a short exchange-- he jumped out of his truck and shoveled the snow from my car. Not just my car, but the entire area around the tires too. I tried to act cool, but I was feeling so many emos on the inside. Joy. Comfort. Peace. Love and most of all… thankfulness. As he got back in his truck and drove away he said "God bless you". When I heard those words, all I could do was turn around and let tears stream down my face (as they are right now). 

I walked inside, took my rain boots off, and as clear as I have heard the Lord in a long time, He said to me…

"I will always take care of you. I see you, Nandi". 

Instantly, I fell to my knees. I was undone. 

I was completely undone. 

And my response could have been nothing but to fall on my knees. It was the sweetest and most loving thing that He could have said to me. It wasn't about the snow necessarily, it was that He cared about providing what I needed in the moment of my greatest need… no matter how small it felt to me. And, for the next 45 seconds I spoke words of thanksgiving, awe and love to Him…and my heart was full. I almost can't explain it… but it was like nothing else mattered since I had been with Jesus...

Now, I would like to say that I pray on my knees every night. Or, that I worship on my knees all the time. But, I don't… well, I didn't used to. 

Since the day, I have found myself dropping to my knees while brushing my teeth. Or, typing an email. Or after reading a tweet. Or while listening to a song. Or just while walking into the kitchen. I have realized that any moment, any time, any day, any place can be set apart by God for me to commune with Him. I don't have to have candles on in the background, or my bible out in front of me… or my prayer journal and 3 highlighters. I can intimately connect with my Father at anytime, anywhere, anyhow. It is just that simple, and just that life changing!  All I have to do is answer Him…as He beckons me...

Over the past few weeks, I have found that as I give him those moments in the car, and those times on my lunch break… my heart is starting to long for more of Him, my appetites for this world are starting to change and my love for Him is growing. It is the sweetest thing to experience. 

I don't know about you, but I have made so many things about my relationship with Jesus SOOOOOO complicated. When really, its simple. Receive His love, love Him back and love others. And, if there is anyone who is reading this and isn't sure of this whole Jesus and God thing…my encouragement is for you to start to ask Jesus, the person, to show you who He really is. Jesus promises that anyone that opens up their heart to Him, giving Him their lives... can experience what I talked about above… no matter what, no matter who! He wants us to know Him and be loved by Him!

My life is far from perfect. But, I am thankful that in these moments… in these private, precious moments with the Lord… none of that matters. All that matters is He is there, drawing me. And I am on my knees, answering. 

He's so good.

"Cry out to Him"…the beginning of a journey

Prayer.

I almost feel like I can't talk or think or do anything that doesn't come back to prayer. Whether its a book I end up reading that I have had for years, or a podcast that I stumble on… its like prayer is eveerrryyyy wheeeerreee...

I don't know about anyone else, but I sometimes run out of things to pray. Does anyone else struggle with that? For people. For myself. For my life. I just run out of things to say. I go around the same mountain over and over and over again.

This week, I have been asking God to teach me "how" to pray… not a formula, not a mix of christian jargon, but from the depths of my heart. I have been asking Him to show me how to "cry out" to Him… how to dig deep and allow my spirit to latch on to a promise outside of the realm of "possible" and go for it!

On this journey of prayer…I have started to see a glimpse of what I was really created to do and be. I was created to commune and connect with my father… and that IS what prayer really is. Its the mingling of me and Him. Its our own private, intimate time. Its touching eternity.

Yesterday, I went on a hike and started to sense the Lord pulling me away to worship Him. As I stepped off the trail and into a side area with my headphones on, I got a text from a friend and my heart started to break. Immediately I began to cry just sensing the pain in her text. I started to pray the normal stuff, and then stopped. "Lord, what do I pray?". I could sense Him coming close, empowering and filling me with His spirit. Then, the music that played in my ears started to stir my heart…and I began to dance before the Lord… I can't explain it, but I just danced. And as I did, the Lord whispered to me "…this is what it feels like to cry out to me…". And then, a flood of tears, words, singing and adoration poured from my mouth over the next several minutes.

He was praying through me and I was simply going on a journey with Him! I started to pray that God would ruin me for the appetites of this world and for revival in my heart and across this nation… I prayed that God would touch our school classrooms and for supernatural debt cancellation. I prayed for restful sleep patterns and transcendent peace to fill the hearts of friends and family.  I prayed for my future family and children…and I experienced Heaven on earth!

I am realizing that prayer can be more than just talking to God. It can be heavenly and empowering and life-changing.

I am realizing that there is a place in prayer that we can get to that is more about drawing near to Him than it is about what we say or pray.

And, I am realizing that it is not just for seemingly "big" things. Prayer is for everything. 

You see, prayer is not the least we can do, or the last resort… it is the MOST we can do. Lets go deeper… lets venture out of the boat and set aside time to pray out the Father's heart! Lets touch heaven as we cry out to Him… we will be changed in the process!

Those "in betweeny" seasons...

 

 

Have you ever felt so anxious you couldn’t eat? And just feel a knot in your stomach. Like you are going to be sick? Apparently, according to some Christians, we have nothing to be anxious about. Ya right.

I mean, if we look at the instructions, commandments and promises in the bible, aren’t so many of them there to remind us of the truth WHEN we start to believe a lie? I mean, we wouldn’t need to be told “do not be anxious” if we would never struggle with it. Just a thought.

So, the past week has been a lull in my life—a lull at work. A lull in my personal life.  Just a lull. It’s not a bad lull necessarily—just a little quieter. Anyway—in this lull, I have found myself just enjoying the pace. Then, I had a few conversations last week that got me really excited about the potential for a completely new season in my life. It wasn’t a boy—for all you who know that I am single. Haha! But, it just got me so excited! Just an open door that I have been waiting for and an opportunity that was beyond what I could have imagined would happen in this season.

And then.

Silence. And then. More silence and waiting. I started to think that I might not see this “opportunity” come to pass in my life. I was face to face with the fear that THIS might be another “oh well, God has a better plan” sob story. I am sooooo not good at waiting!!!

When I got to work this morning, I started to feel my stomach turn in knots and my breathing quicken—and it dawned on me. I am anxious. These days of being “in between” and silence is creating a tension that is leading to anxiety… and it feels awful.

So, I did what I do when I need to get alone with the Lord. I got under my desk and opened my bible. I texted a few friends and asked for prayer… and then started to read. I struggled to get my heart quiet enough to hear and fought with myself for several minutes… and then a friend text me this verse as I was reading it…

”…the Lord is near… Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:5-7).

I took the first part of that verse. And thought about it for a few minutes. He is near. Close. Next to me. Cheering me on. Loving me. Right here.

I took the second part of that verse. Give him everything while thanking him for all he has done. I did that… out loud, under my desk. I thanked him for his saving grace in my life. I thanked him for my family and friends. I thanked him for the hope that I have in Him.

As I sat there, I realized that I had a choice.

I could either believe the FACTS of my life (I am waiting, single, its silent…) or I could believe the TRUTH of what the word of God says about me (God has good plans for me, he cares and is fighting for me)...

Facts vs Truth. What will it be?? What will I put my faith in right now?!!

I can remember God’s past faithfulness. I can choose joy in the midst’s of this. I can admit to God that I need his presence… like 500 times over the next hour. I can speak the truth of the scriptures over my heart and have faith that they will do what they have been sent forth to accomplish. I can continue to pray prayers of faith and yet give Him the final say as to what happens on the other side of this waiting…

It’s a choice. We all have a choice when it comes to the things that we are feeling so “in betweeny” about. Anxiety will not make the season go by faster. Times of silence and waiting are the perfect opportunity for us to choose how we wait. The season will end…what will I remember when I look back. Faith and trust, or anxiety??!!

And I am asking Him for the courage to choose the truth!!! I am not quite there yet, but I have taken a half a step!!! Do I think that miraculously my anxiety will all go away in the next 3 minutes? I really don’t think so. BUT, do I think that God is close and hears and loves and is in my corner?! Yes…absolutely!!!

So, here I am! Journeying onward today… and speaking the word of God over my life—stretching my faith to believe that it’s doing something, even if I can’t feel it! 

Sincerely,

 

Nandi

 

Prayer…what's the point???

Prayer. Reality?! I am just now trying to figure out what is the point of prayer. I have read a few books on prayer and have found myself walking away with ideas and yet totally disconnected. LIke, "…thats nice, it worked for them… but…that kinda stuff doesn't happen to me". I mean, I don't have a laundry list of answered prayers. At least not yet...

A few months ago, I thought I would give prayer a real try. Haha. That just sounds ridiculous  when I write it out! I mean, I ask for prayer. I even pray for people… daily. But, I have always thought of prayer as more of an insurance policy. Like a just-in-case net that I put under my efforts and my abilities and my strength. Even knowing some of the promises in the bible about prayer, I still wasn't "sold". Honestly. I wasn't. 

But, I went for it anyway. I started to pray for things that were humanly impossible for me to manipulate in my flesh… praying for favor over people I had never met… praying for open doors that had previously had 19382 dead bolts on them… praying for blessings that I didn't deserve and had no part in… joining friends over financial provision… just going for it. And,  one night a few weeks ago I heard the Lord whisper...

"…true prayer is the walking out of humility-- practically, prayer is taking your hands off, admitting you don't know and giving it to me. "

Well, I tucked that away in my back pocket…and it really encouraged me to journey onward.  As I prayed in my car, in the elevator at work and other random places, I realized that the my prayers were so "stapely". (Is that even a word??!!). They were cookie cutter. Ugh. 

I admitted to God that although I was sold on the humility part of prayer, I didn't know what to say. People always told me "prayer is just talking to God".  But the way I was talking to God felt so boring! So, God showed me that praying for people meant doing it from their perspective. And, that praying for myself was about stepping outside of my own life and identifying the needful thing.  So.. 

...instead of praying "heal sweet Rals" when Wendy shared she was sick… I started to try and pray for the needful thing.  Like,  "give Wendy grace and patience with how to get Rals to eat her lunch… oh, and a longer nap today to give mama a break"… 

…instead of just asking God for favor and open doors, I started to pray specifically about who I desired favor with and why.

And now…. FINALLY, I have a few things to add to my list of answered prayers! Friends with new jobs, a miracle pregnancy, lost bible in the mail was found and open doors of crazy favor in my life! 

Will I ever understand prayer??!! I don't really think so. But, as one of the VP's at my job said last week during devotions… "I can't fully comprehend the mysteries of prayer.  But I do know that the bible says to pray… and that, we can and should do". 

And that, is what I can and will do. And today, I can actually add a few more things and start my "prayers answered laundry list"... 

Join me, would ya?!

Sincerely, 
Nandi

Repentance. Its not so bad after all...

Welp, I usually wait until I have a deep something in my heart, or am further on down the road on my journey before I start writing. But, I am in the beginning… like the very beginning of it and decided to go for it anyway! We shall see what comes out J  

I’m just gunna jump right in… not sure any backstory is necessary.  Lately I have been faced with the reality that I am being overlooked. Like, really overlooked. Not considered for something or by someone… and overlooked. Is that clear enough??!! Overlooked J. When I got home last night, I knew that I needed to get with God for a minute, but didn’t know what to do. I don’t know about anyone else… but sometimes I have no idea if I wanna pray, cry, worship, read, or phone a friend… haha. So, I decided I would just sit on my floor in the dark—no music on, no nothing.  The quiet lead me to start to talk to God. I started with my automatic staple statements… “Lord I thank you for… I know that you…” and pretty much stopped in my tracks and got really honest with Him. He knows my thoughts anyway…so, why hide and try to wear a mask before God. ((((Sometimes I don’t quite understand where I get some of the stuff I think about His character???? Anyway… that’s another story!))))  I started in… and what came out was actually really shocking. I was brutally honest (I think I even used the word friggin’ … yikes)… and started saying things like…

 …Sometimes I don’t want to choose you, I want to defend myself…I just don’t trust you sometimes…

… help me to love people that I can’t stand the way you want me to, when I really want to give them a piece of my mind…

… this is so unfair, are you kidding?? This is what you have chosen… so unfair…

…I am trying to be kind in my heart, but really sometimes I feel like being nasty and ugly is SO MUCH EASIER…

…show me how to keep my little eyes on my heart, instead of judging other peoples hearts…

YUCK. It felt yucky coming out of my mouth. BUT, if I could be even more honest…it also felt sooooooo good!!! I mean, there it was. All out in the open. Then, it was like “well, what next??!!” In a moment…I simply and softly heard the word “repent”. And then was reminded of Acts 3:17…

“Repent… that times of refreshing may come from the [presence] of the Lord”

It started…

“I repent for judging others, for not wanting your will and for being angry with you for not giving me my way… I repent for not trusting you... for allowing my heart to be hard… I repent for trying to take matters into my own hands… I repent for being jealous… and for wanting to be “in the know” and in the middle of everything… for wanting to be more important than I am to people… I repent for doing things to make other people jealous… I repent for comparing…”

There was more… but, when I got done I realized that Acts 3:17 is true! It’s a promise. I felt refreshed… I felt lighter. I felt even a little stronger.

It was in that moment when I opened my eyes, that I realized the benefit of real, heartfelt repentance. Really, it has always been a really scary word for me… but, last night I realized and experienced the fullness of the benefit of repentance! Biblically, repentance is simply a “changing of your mind”. It’s a response to God’s loving kindness towards us! He loves us, and in loving us… He desires for us to walk in freedom!!!  Repentance opens the door to that freedom and activates God’s desire to give us full “remission” of sins.  And, when God remits our sins…it means that our sins are literally removed, cleansed and sent away!!!

Last night, repenting wasn’t just about remission… it was also about giving him my filth and receiving His love, grace and perspective!  It was about humbling myself and submitting to the way that God designed for us to experience one of the many GREAT EXCHANGES in scripture! And, honestly… I feel like God outdoes himself a little bit with this whole repentance-exchange thing. He not only sends our sins away (remission) as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12)… But, he then GIVES us love, peace, joy, hope, grace and strength instead! I totally came out on the good end of that deal! Its like, “there ya go God, I will give you my calloused heart, my prideful perspective and my judgemental thoughts… oh, and I will take a little peace that surpasses understanding, empowerment to make the right decisions in the midst of my flesh screaming… oh, and an abundance of hope for my future!”… Sounds crazy huh???!!! It is… its God!

Oh, and this is not about being “sin conscious”... because that will actually make us want to sin more! But, it is about accepting God’s way of carrying away our burdens—and submitting to the way that He desires to give us more blessings.  Lets not be afraid of repenting… it’s actually a GOOD THING!!!

So, today… I am about 7 hours into practically walking out my divine exchange from last night. And, I am not going to lie and say that I feel like 1,000,000% like a different person… but, I will say that I can sense a new resolve and empowerment in my heart! And, I’ll take it!!!

{{{here are some neat passages I came across in learning more about repentance today…for some light reading J Psalm 103:1-12, Psalm 130:3-4, Psalm 51:1-2}}}

I don't do resolutions…but this year…

I don't do new years resolutions-- well truth be told, I used to a few years back, but I just don't anymore :) Its more of a personal decision…to save myself the embarrassment of not following through! SO, really its pride??!!! Yikes. Actually… I do have 1 resolution! I want to brush my teeth in the middle of my day… and I am 7 days in and have YET to do it…wow. 

Anyway, a few years ago a friend shared with me that she spent the last few weeks of the year seeking the Lord for what would be on his heart for the upcoming year! It has always been so neat to do… BUT, this new years "seeking the Lord for a deep word" stuff was a little different :)  I was traveling so much the last 4 weeks of 2013, that I didn't really quiet myself to listen to him about 2014. I went home for Christmas and then to Kansas City from the 27th-30th for the OneThing conference and to visit a church out there. As I got to the airport in KC, immediately I started telling the Lord "what the world do you have my here for" ?? And really, I felt like I had really missed it and should be at home. But, I just tried to let the trip unfold, cause truth be told…there was nothing I could do about it, I was already there!

As I was at the conference and even at the church… I was pressing into every conversation, getting on my knees in worship, praying in the car… doing anything to "unlock" what I felt like was the reason why I was there! And really nothing. Nada. Blanks. Silence. Quiet. Going into the last few hours of my trip, I still didn't have any direction or sensing from the Lord about the upcoming year, and was resolved to just head back to Charlotte without anything… and then… 

...I went over to a hang out with a new favorite friend of mine… Liz :)  I went to just hang out, but I could sense it was going to be more than that. We talked. Well, actually I shared some relatively simple things that were on my heart. And, I didn't think anything of it, and then for the next little bit… she spoke life over me. But, it wasn't just life… it was words of empowerment, direction, focus, exhortation, hope, perspective and most of all FAITH!!! True, biblical faith! Then, she took another step and declared some things over my life that were almost prophetic… they were things that she didn't know about me, but were EXACTLY what I needed! It was an unlocking that happened… a resetting…a setting my face in a new direction and course for 2014….and she ended with "This is your year!". 

And I left their house a different person. I can't explain it, except that I have felt completely different ever since. The difference is FAITH…so… 

This is a year of FAITH for me… Faith in my life and those around me! I am believing for God to do things tangibly in my life that can only be explained by pointing to the creator and Savior! This year I am asking for the gift of faith and for God to get me to a place where I am believing for BIGGER things… in my heart, in my mind, in my life practically… I want to share my faith with more people, lead people to the saving knowledge of Jesus… I want to meet my husband…I want to start a job and vocation that is connected to long term purpose in my life and what I was created to do and BE… ahhh….

...I am going into 2014 unafraid of my dreams, unafraid of the desires in my heart, unafraid of the big things that are on the inside of my heart to DO!!! The opposite of fear is faith… so, its time!

And, of course… like any other "faith filled Christian", my lingering question is "what if… it doesn't happen"??????? Well, honestly… I have decided that I would rather go on the adventure of believing God, trusting His word, walking by faith, praying out big things that I am sensing on His heart... and grow from it… than just living in small, confined, manageable, simple, restricting parameters and cultural Christianity ruts! I am afraid to say I was absolutely that girl… just praying the same small things, and just in a rut… argh! Faith is bringing me out… and I don't know AT ALL what I am doing, but I know that daily I am asking God 2 things… 

1) Stretch my prayers with more faith…to pray things I have never prayed before...
2) Teach me what it means to walk by faith with you in all things...

And, I believe that He is going to start a life long work in this area of my life!!! And, for the first time in yyyyyeeeeeaarrrrrrs, I am excited about seeing what God has for me… And I know that it wont be all roses, and I will have dissapointments… but I would rather believe God and be disappointed than wonder what life out of the boat would really look like!!! 

…. 2014 here I…we… come!!! Come on and do it with me all you resolutioners… and I will try and brush my teeth once during the middle of my day too! haha!

This is my verse for this year… Psalm 65:11… love it!