Chin Up…He will do it for you…

Today was a “hard day”. But, not because it was busy. Today was a hard day because I witnessed the crumbling of people’s lives right before my eyes. 

You see, working on a temporary project, in temporary positions lead to “end dates” and private conversations with HR. It leads to the crumbling of hopes and dreams in the matter of a few minutes. One minute everything is fine, the next its not. And lets just say, that today has been a really tearful one.  And not just tears—anger, frustration, confusion, sadness… and a wide range of other emotions. Watching it all happen is heartbreaking to say the least. 

I just had a conversation with one of these people whose life was flipped upside down, and hearing her tears over the phone—was gut wrenching. As I was talking to her, I found myself acknowledging her pain and talking about her heart. My deep concern was  for her heart, her relationship with the Lord and reminding her of all that God has done in and through her life in the brief time we have been friends. I found myself crying with her, and trying to relate… and then we hung up. And I cried and cried… and then I started thinking…

I haven’t had to walk exactly what she is walking right now, but I will say that I have had my little teeny world turned upside down. You see, in March of this year—one of my best friends and someone who I would consider my sister… sat in front of me and said “… I’ve never been myself with you… you have never been good to me…our friendship has never been good for me”. Umm… well… all I remember were instant tears. It was awful. Devastating. My heart felt like it had been shattered. And, I remember going on long walks that first week, really late at night and just crying and crying. As I journeyed over the next month-- I started going to counseling and was fighting depression and going on meds for it. Like, the kind that makes you want to drive your car off the road or keeps you from sleeping more than 3-4 hours each night.

Well, one day I called a friend of mine. She is probably in her late 50’s—I told her what happened.  And, she said something that helped me approach me journey of healing in a whole new way! (This is where this doesn’t become about anyone but MEEE and HIM!!!)….  She said “I don’t understand… you don’t deserve that… but, God didn’t stop it when he could have… so, let him do what he wants with it in your heart”. Its like, in a moment… I started to look at this whole thing differently!!! I finally started to realize that… I need to shift my perspective…

SO… I HAD A CHOICE about how I would walk this season out!  I could either ________ or ________...

I could EITHER try to figure out what God was doing at the beginning of all this, OR I could let the Lord unfold the journey for me day by day…

I could EITHER point the finger and play the blame game, OR I could open myself up to the Lord and allow him to do a work in me.

I could EITHER attempt to wrap my head around the why, who, what, where, when, OR I could allow the Lord to answer my questions in his timing… not mine.

I could EITHER allow the enemy to scream lies in my ears about who I am, OR I could go on a journey of trusting my father to redeem and restore.

AHH!!! As I let go, and trusted him more… the last 9 months have been quite the journey!!! The Lord answered questions about my identity, my heart, struggles with people pleasing and boundaries…. He spoke life into my heart and slowly put my heart back together again, with new pieces!  …He pulled me unto himself and lovingly took away things that he would no longer allow to be a part of my life …  He held me at times in a way that I have never and will never experience from anyone! …He showed me a side of his character that I had never seen… He warred against the enemy for me, when I was too weak… He fought for my heart when I didn’t have the strength.

Then, a few nights ago he said to me…

“If the enemy would have known this is where I was going to take you and do in your life…

 he would have never messed with you”.

Wow. I was in awe… and began to cry as I thought back over the past year! Nights when I felt like I was going crazy and going to unravel. Times where I could see how I wanted to respond, and I just wasn’t there yet. Days when I was afraid to go home and would go walk for hours. AND NOW, I am…

More whole, more free, more loving, more truthful, stronger, more confident, more tenacious, happier, more joyful, more ME than I have ever been!!!! I am ALWAYS on a journey… but there is no scent of the ashes of the old me….. there are even times when I am like “umm… did you just say that and mean it??!!” Ahhhh!!!

Whew… that was a lot huh??!!  Well… I guess I will say that this blog post really is for anyone who is in the middle of a season where things flipped in a moment!!! It will be over one day and can’t last forever. And as my friend Wendy said to me in the middle of all this “He makes all things beautiful in His time… He brings beauty from ashes”. So, chin up!!! The season will pass… time waits for no one. SO, the question is not “will the season end?”, but really “will you trust him with where you are and where you want to be”… and “what will you life look like when this season ends?”…

Trust Him. Cause it will all be worth it!!! And, when it is time—I will tell my friend from work that. I will tell her that He will do it…. Because He brought life out of the hardest and most painful season of my life!!! I am so glad that what He does for one… He will do for all… He’s so good…. 

Actively... rest.

 

Lets just jump right into it… I have been wrestling with the "rest" of God. I have found myself this year journeying to “rest” in God’s unending and (as I like to say) scandalous grace. But, over the past little bit it feels like the Lord has been asking me “what does resting in me really mean practically in your life?” As I started to answer this question in my own heart, I realized that I think that I have had the whole “resting in Him” thing slightly wrong all along. Let me explain.

What does it really mean, practically, to rest? Like, if I was looking at my life… how would I be able to say “Yeah, I am resting in God in the area of __________”. In trying to answer this question in my own heart, I have realized that I have made "rest" into a “ceasing to act”—but, I think that I have defined rest with a serious error because…resting is actually active.

I mean, the bible says “labor" to enter into the rest of God (Heb. 4:11). I have to admit, I don’t fully understand this verse…but, one thing I do know is that resting is not inactive… resting is not a “just do nothing” or a “saunter through life” attitude. Actually, resting (as God has defined it for me) means…

…to REST in the reality that nothing I can do, say, think or not do, not say or not think has any effect on my position and love relationship with God—nothing can take it away or add to it!!!  

So, I started to realize that my part was to truly believe, live and REST IN this truth!!! BUT, the Lord started to show me (just last week!) that my mistake was that I stopped there… I stopped in the belief part. I stopped in the mental ascent and heart understanding to this truth of why I can “rest” in God—and lacked putting legs to my faith!! I lacked walking out the practical aspect of resting-- moving from what it is my heart, to the outworking of my life.

I have learned that RESTING in my relationship with God should actually FUEL and point me towards…personal responsibility, devotion, dying to self, pursuing my father, laying at the feet of my king, lavishing Jesus with love and passionately uncovering the jewels of scripture… 

 Resting in my position in Christ sets me free to live a life of practical devotion without the fear of getting into “works”!!!

So, I have gotten “back” to pursuing him again…and really devoting myself to His word. I have been setting my alarm to get up earlier, and instead of rolling over and saying “oh, I’ll just rest in his grace”… I am actively doing my part to spend time with the lover of my soul!!! And, I am still resting… I am just actively resting, not allowing what I do to make me feel closer or further, better or worse in the eyes of Jesus. I am accepted. I am adopted. I am forgiven. I am free. I am all of these things… not just to sit on , but to grow and pursue greater depths of revelation in him BECAUSE of these things!!! I have to say, just by being with him again—I feel stronger in my faith, I feel more alive and more able to decipher the tenderness of His voice!!! His word and being in his presence brings peace and joy to my heart—it brings perspective, clarity and confidence… ahhhhhh!!!

I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people, Donna, earlier this week—and she said something that simplified and summed up this season for me!!!  She said “mind renewal doesn’t start with talking, it starts with listening”—and, I really believe that!! I have a part-- my part is to get quiet, and spend time with Him...His part is mind renewal, and a whole buncha other stuff!!!

Here I go... journeying on towards silencing my heart before the Lord, pulling myself away to be with him, and pursuing His heart... all WHILE resting in Him....ahh, what a peaceful place it is!

 

 

Rescued. Ransomed. I am "the 1"...

As I drove home tonight, I was in tears thinking about a conversation that I had with a co-worker of mine over lunch. You see, this friend of mine has, what we would all call, a "past".  She shared some parts of her story with me… which were heart breaking. We talked about all that she has endured-- and then… she shared that the Lord had put it on her heart to share the truth of Jesus with close friends and family by using the My Hope videos (link at the bottom). And, as I listened to her, I started to realize that she had a different perspective than I did about "evangelism"…  

You see, her motivation for why she wanted to tell people about Jesus didn't start with their depravity, or their eternal destiny..instead she was first and foremost motivated by what Jesus had done for HER… 

He rescued her from her past. 
He saved her from herself. 
He sacrificed His life for her, even when she had nothing to give. 
He set her free from sin. 
He delivered her from death and brokenness. 
He pulled her back from the enemy and his lies.
He died for her, so that she could live. 

It started with Him… what He had done, who HE was and HIS love for her! 

It was like in a moment, evangelism really clicked for me. Evangelism is a response…telling people about Jesus really comes from the overflow of a life that has been ransomed by what Jesus did on the Cross at Calvary! 

But, what I realized in my own life and in the lives of so many of those around me… is we often times forget that we were ALL ransomed!!! Ahhh!!! The story of the 99 and "the 1" says…   

"So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?  And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. 

And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." (Luke 15:3-7 ESV)

He ran after "the 1", and when "the 1" was found…he REJOICED!!!

Here is my question-- aren't we all "the 1"??? I mean, aren't we?! I have been around people, and myself have forgotten that we are ALL "the 1"...because in reality, "the 1" is anyone who wanders from God in any way. I mean, the reality is… if you have lied or have ever had ANY SPOT of unforgiveness in your heart… welcome to the family of "the 1's"!!! All "the 1's" have been RESCUED and RANSOMED…and I don't know about you, but I am thankful! And I remember Pastor Derek saying "Rescued people are THANKFUL people". 

As I drove home from work tonight, I was in tears as I realized that I have been rescued from so much… and not just to be rescued, but then to live the life that Jesus paid for me!!! Rescued TO… Hope, Truth, Perspective, Overcoming Strength, Heart Fulfillment, Joy, Peace… 

I have sooooo many family members that don't know Christ and haven't YET experienced His saving grace and love…and as I sit here, an employee of BGEA, I am FINALLY really looking at how can I, through loving relationship, share the truth of "the 1" with those that I come into contact with… even family members in other states or parts of the world. Through prayer, and getting over myself…its time to allow the goodness, love and hope of Christ to fuel my heart!!! Really, evangelism and telling people about Jesus isn't just about eternity… its about victory here and now...until eternity!!!

Lets remember. Lets take a minute to remember that someone told us about Jesus. Lets remember what He did for us. Lets remember that we are all "the 1". And.. lets ask for a greater revelation of God's pursuant love expressed through Jesus Christ.  Lets ask God to  give us a new perspective to fuel us as we tell our friends about Jesus... and ALLLL that He did, and is doing, for us!!!

So, I guess thats what working at BGEA for the past 7 months will do to ya… I must say, I'm thankful!!

And, for anyone that might read this and isn't sure about this whole Jesus thing… watch this video, its called Defining Moments…so amazing… His love for humanity is endless and laced in hope!!! (There are other videos on there too… and The Cross will be available tomorrow for download, and on FOX TV networks on Thursday night…. another AMAZING video… I cried through the entire thing!)

http://myhopewithbillygraham.org/programs/defining-moments/

UCLA Hall of Fame stuff…as promised...

Well, I promised my friends and family that couldn't make it… that I would blog about my HOF (Hall of Fame) induction 2 weekends ago in California :) Here it is.. and anyone that knows me, knows that even trying to do this is a STRETCH because I absolutely hate talking about myself or anything of the sort. So, this is for those that texted, called, and wished they could have been there… here you go!!!

I got there on Tuesday, but really… the HOF festivities started on Friday!!! What a crazy 3 day whirlwind… here are those days… "a life in pictures"… 

Friday, at 5 PM we got to see my plaque on the Hall of Fame wall… wow. I have to say that I was completely overwhelmed seeing my signature on a wall in the Alumni/Hall of Fame section of UCLA. As my brother and I headed to find my name on the wall, he said it best, "Nandi, your name is on the same wall as Arthur Ashe and Jackie Robinson". Umm… speechless. It was here, and in this moment that I realized that this whole HOF thing was a little bit of a big deal. Here are some pictures of the private unveiling… 

Then, it came time for the dinner and speeeeech!!! Ahh… I was so crazy nervous! When we got there, it was reception time and just got to hang out with the other inductees… so crazy to me that some of the people were well into their 60's or 80's… and here I was, inducted into the HOF during my first elidgible vote. The rule is that you have to be graduated for 10 years, and 2013 was my 11th year. Again, I had no idea about any of that!!! 

Anyway… we headed from the main campus area, up to the dinner reception where everyone had to give a 5-8 minute speech. I was so nervous… I kept pinching Jenny under the table! I went last, so I had a chance to size up my speech competition :) Here are some pictures from my speech…

 Not at all sure what I am doing or saying in these pictures, but I sure was animated… HAHA!!! I do remember making fun of my brother, thanking my parents and coaches :) It was so fun… I talked for 8 minutes, which was way long than when I practiced it in the mirror at the hotel… but, at least I wasn't 23 minutes long like some of the others :) 

Here are some pictures from after the speeches…

Jill… my college coach!

HOF 2013 Induction Class

My mom and Lily!

Milburn and Swan..

Me and my parentals :) 

Swanny… Me… Jenny

Then, it was time for the Saturday football game-- UCLA vs CAL. Lets just say, yet again… I started to realize as I walked up to the stadium, that there were 100,000 people at this game.. I had no idea going into all of this… that it was going to be that big of a deal!!! During halftime, they announced the 2013 HOF Class… here are a few pictures…

Milburn… Greco and Me… 

Greco… and Jill...

My parents and family looked on… as my face and highlight reel was on the jumbo-tron!!! ahhh… I kept asking the ABC Sports girl "does my hair look okay??!! Do I have anything in my teeth??" haha!!! And then… after the jumbotro deal… dinner with a boy… wow. 

I am not at all sure how to end this blog post, because I am usually talking about something deep and intense :) I guess I will end with just what it felt like to be honored with something like this…and try to take a few sentences to explain feeling so overwhelmed. I realized, as I was back at UCLA, and seeing friends that I have known for 13 years… I realized that I am "known"-- intimately and deeply, yes by the Lord, but also by others. I have had several friendships dissolve in the last 10 years, and 1 just earlier this year. BUT, when I was in LA, I got to talk about my college years, and say "oh yeah, remember 8 years ago"… it was so good for my soul!!! And the other thing that was completely overwhelming about this trip, was that I realized that although so many of the things that I have been able to accomplish with soccer will be forgotten, my name will forever and always be on that wall at UCLA, and in the books as one of soooo many incredible athletes! And lastly, my family and friends… especially my parents and my brother… who gave up so much for me to play a game that I loved… to see them so proud and walk beside me… that was an amazing gift!!!

I guess I will end with a picture while I was on campus just walking around… I sure do miss this place… UCLA…so many great memories… 

Guarding my heart… while He writes my story

Last week I was in LA, doing an induction thing at UCLA (which I plan on blogging about this week when I sort through all the pics!)… and on the last night before leaving LA-- I met a boy. Well, sorta :) It is actually a crazy story how it all happened-- and crazy how you could spend 4 hours with a complete stranger just talking and laughing and eating, and it just feel so normal. But, this is not a blog about him or anything about hanging with him… it is a blog about what God has done in my heart in the last 7 days since meeting him…and what he has been teaching me!!!

I am pretty honest and transparent, so I'm just going to start by saying that I would consider last weekend my very first real date, and the first time I felt like a guy thought I was pretty, or interesting, or funny, or passionate or just "got what life is all about". I felt like for 4 hours, I was important and…not pushed aside. (Oh, and, I have told him all of this… so its not a secret!) Those of you that are single--will be able to relate to what I am talking about! I mean, at 31… it can get to a point where you think "what in the world is wrong with me… do I have a sign on my head that say 'stay away' from me? Am I ugly??". Just being honest-- these are things that I think and battle most every day. 

Over the last 7 days, this scripture has come to my heart at the most random times… 

Proverbs 4:23: "Above all else, guard your heart, 

for everything you do flows from it."

But, as I started on this journey to do what Proverbs 4:23 says-- I realized that I don't really know what it means to "guard my heart"!!  I mean, does it mean to not watch bad movies and listen to bad music? Does it mean to expect the worst and think negatively about what you are hoping for… like tricking yourself? Does it meant to turn inward and shut down??? What does "guarding your heart" really mean????!!!

As I have been on this journey, I have realized that guarding your heart isn't just for single people… it really is for any and all seasons of life… 

It is for wives that want to be pregnant and aren't yet… 

It is for the person that has been interviewing at a job and isn't sure if you'll get it or not...

It is for that girl that has moved to a new city and meets new people, but isn't sure if you are going to be invited back to hang with that group…

It is for that person that is praying for unsaved friends and family, and can see some fruit, but you just aren't sure if that person will fully commit to following Christ... 

Really the short of it is… "guarding your heart" is for anyone that is walking the line between the reality of now and the hope of the future!!!

So, as I have been asking the Lord "how do I walk this line??!!"... He has shown me that…  

1) Guarding my heart is not about what I don't do. But, what I do! It is about turning my attention to the Lord when my mind/heart wander to any place where I feel worried about the outcome of a situation... 

2) Guarding my heart means… enjoying the current moment as much as possible and soaking in all of what is right in front of me! Literally… right in front of me! Even if its just watching TV :) 

3) Guarding my heart means… remembering God's past faithfulness when I look into my future! 

Lastly, I think that the biggest thing that God has shown me… is that guarding my heart means living in such a way where I KNOW that God is still writing my story! He is… He is still writing my story of marriage, of career, of family, of ministry… and honestly, he will be writing my story for the rest of my life! Yesterday I felt like the Lord showed me that life's seasons are full of ellipses, periods, semicolons, commas or chapter ends... and all of it is being written by him! AND, I am so thankful to say that the end of my story, the end of all of our stories, will show God's perfect love, his unending care, his relentless grace, his pursuing presence and his sweet tenderness!! The end of the story for those of us that know him…is always good!!!


SO… is this boy going to be a part of my story for more than my time in LA?? I really have noooo idea! But, I know that I am on a journey towards trusting the Lord fully to be the author of my life… and opening my heart to the perfect story teller!!!

Let love lead…

This is one of those blog posts that sits on your mind and heart for days, probably even weeks… and then finally it all comes together… 

Yesterday was a really fun day for my church family because we had church in the park! It is always such a great time of connection, conversation and just worshipping God in a really neat way. Plus, I got to hang with Aliza during worship, which is always soooo fun… 

As worship ended, though, I found myself retreating. Like really retreating. Like pulling back and just wanting to be by myself. I could feel it starting as people started to arrive at 10 AM, and it is almost like I didn't even really know what was happening-- and yet part of me did, but didn't know how to stop it. I was thinking to myself "what is wrong with you"… "why aren't you hanging out with everyone". I don't know if this was the "right" thing to do or not, but I just decided instead of being angry with myself and going into shame and anxiety… that I would just let myself be. I would just say "oh well, this is where I am at right now-- and I can't seem to change it… so, here it is". So, I did just that. As the picnic and eating time started, I kept hearing things in my head like "they have family, and you don't". And "see, they are married and you don't have that. And "is anyone going to talk to you when you leave here… no". And, on and on and on. It just kept going until I left the park and headed home…

The rest of the afternoon at home was hard.. like really hard. Honestly, just being tired of being alone what feels like all the time. Tired of the fact that I am not dating, and really never have. At 31. And overwhelmed with the reality that as much as there are so many people here that are like family to me-- and that I love so dearly, and they love me back… there is nothing like being able to show up at my parents house and rummage through their fridge. There is nothing like coming home to someone who you know will always be there.   Since I left home at the age of 17, I haven't had these things…and sometimes it just comes up and I can't keep it in… 

Anyway… I texted a friend when I just started to feel like I was on the brink of an unravel. I basically just said "… hey if you think of it, if you could send up a prayer for me today, that would be great… feeling like it could be an interesting afternoon… thanks". I would have just expected "Yes, I will be praying for you"... BUT, that wasn't what I got… what I got was… 

"I will totally pray for you sweet one…" and then "why will it be a rough afternoon? Are you sad?"… and when I responded with my struggles with singleness, this person said "I get that… and you deserve that special someone…"

I can't even put into words what it felt like to know that someone was going beyond just blanket words… but took another step. A step to say "I am here, walking with you". A step to come alongside, simply by asking a question and going a little bit further. It meant the world to me… and the Lord really used it to take me over a hump. And slowly, I found myself drawing closer to the Lord and my night got better as it went on-- I mean, I had to take some steps myself, but her response set my face and feet going in the right direction… 

Those of you that have experienced this, know what I am talking about.  

Tonight as I drove home from a hike, the Lord started to show me the different ways that we as Christians respond to pain and hurt. I have seen that...

1) pain makes people uncomfortable…it makes them want to fix things...
2) people have "cookie cutter" response to pain… not knowing what to say...
3) people struggle with entering into pain and sitting in it with others... 
4) people often say things, that unknowingly, dismiss pain…

And honestly, for the 5 years I worked at Mercy… I was more like this list above than anyone!!! I just want to "fix" because pain is hard to watch-- and to feel. 

So, all of this is to say…I have been feeling challenged all day today to do better in this area of my life! When someone is hurting, I want to take a step back and instead of saying the first thing I think… choose to validate them. When someone is crying, instead of telling them not to cry… tell them "i'm sorry". When someone is doubting God's purpose and plan for their lives, I want to just hear them out… instead of quoting bible verses that can sometimes actually bring more condemnation than healing… 

Lately I have thought to myself… when Jesus saw someone in pain, did he tell them it was wrong what they were feeling, or did he just sit with them in it even for a minute??? Did he tell the woman with the issue of blood "umm… I don't think that you should be needing this from me… just be fine... just relax… God has a good plan for your life". I dunno. But, I believe that He entered into her world… and was able to see life from her perspective…. perfectly. He got into her shoes, he felt her heart, he understood what this type of affliction would do to her socially, mentally and emotionally. He was moved with compassion. Full compassion. And that is what loving one another is all about… 

Lets have compassion on one another. 
Lets go beyond with people. 
Lets realize that everyone has a story, every single day. 
Lets hug the people around us that need it. 
Lets listen, even if we are busy. 
Lets ask a few more questions, even if we don't know where it is going to lead.
Lets love people in their pain, even when it is hard and uncomfortable. 
Lets be aware of those around us that need an ear, even when all we have is a minute. 

Lets start to live our lives like Jesus did… letting love and compassion lead. I want to be one of these people. 

Romas 12:15-"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."

"Burn the Boats" - part 1.

So, yesterday during worship at church… in the middle of a song, I heard the Lord say "burn the boats". It totally took me by surprise-- and honestly, I dismissed it completely at first because it was so out of left field. But, then again and again and again, I kept hearing it. I actually felt like it was something he was saying to me and to another friend of mine. Anyway, I got home a few hours later and God was back on it again. "burn the boats". I kept hearing it over and over again. 

I vaguely remembered hearing some pastor or leader share the story of "burn the boats" in a message-- but I couldn't remember the story. I did what one does when you need to find out something, I Googled it :) Basically, the story goes that Hernando Cortez went to the land now called Mexico to try and "conquer" the people that lived on that land because the land had the potential for great wealth. Several other groups of explorers tried to conquer the land in past 600 years, but were unsuccessful and died trying. After several weeks, Cortez started hearing that some of his men wanted to retreat… stricken with fear because of (in their minds) the inevitability of death. So, Cortez took drastic measures-- he commanded his officials to "burn the boats". He knew that not having the option to retreat would give his men the desire, the drive and the persistence to conquer the land. He took away their safety net. He took away their "just in case". He took away their ability to retreat. All by burning the boats. 

Pretty much every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I was hearing "burn the boats". Then all day today, I have been hearing "burn the boats". So-- of course, I have been asking. And tonight, the Lord showed me that FOR ME, 

…"burning the boats" means… 

letting go of ideals, preconceived notions, scripted outcomes and immature mindsets of certain areas of my life…

As I was driving home tonight, the Lord showed me that my ideals about marriage have come from movies AND from idolizing marriages that I have seen from the outside. These ideals created longings for something that has stopped me from fully embracing my singleness!!! And honestly, it stopped me to the point where it made me believe that my purpose and reaching my dreams would only happen AFTER marriage and family. Why? Oh, because I have scripted outcomes of my husband and I traveling and doing ministry together. Why? Oh, because I am 31 and not married-- and really never dated. So, to me-- it followed that my purpose HAD to be connected to my husband, which is the reason that I have given myself for not fully stepping into it yet. WOW. 

The second thing that the Lord brought up was my ideals in HOW the path of fulfilling his dreams would be laid out for me. I always idolized the idea of being a part of a ministry for 30 years-- starting at an entry level, or even being a part of a church as a member at the beginning… and learning the in's and out's of that ministry. Of being a pillar that would go and grow with where it was going. In my head, doing that was the ONLY way to fulfill God's path for my life. WOW. 

Tonight, as I drove home from a dinner party from work…the Lord started talking to me about all of this and I wept the whole way home. You see, to "burn the boats" isn't just about not looking back when it comes to this stuff, it is about completely destroying the things that would stop me from looking fully into the future that God has for me!!! The future desires I have for family are totally from the Lord, but I am no longer waiting for a husband to launch fully into the life in ministry that I have always felt the Lord was calling me to. My desire to be a pillar in an organization is a huge part of my heart, but I no longer am fixated on how long that journey of being a pillar might take and letting go of where I feel like this journey should happen. 

God is truly up to something. He is "burning the boats"…. and as much as I can feel uncovered and exposed because my safety net of what I have always believed and always wanted is starting to go "up in flames"--I am also sensing in the deepest place in my heart that this "boat burning" is going to help unravel old mindsets even more in my life, and open me up to a whole new way of pursuing the plan and purpose that God has for me right now… in this season!

I guess my question is… what boats do we need to be open to the Lord "burning" in our lives??? Is it the boat of shame and fear...because it actually makes us feel like we need God more? Is it the boat of comparison… because comparison makes us feel better about ourselves?? Is it the boat of unforgiveness because if we forgive, we might have to actually face our part and walk in love???

Really, these boats are simply things that stop us from moving forward completely towards fullness in this current season! They are things that we are always looking back at that we hold on to as security blankets. I would venture to say that God has tried to set us from free these "boat" mindsets or habits… and we have put out that fire out because of fear… hmm….

Here we go. Burning the boats...

It's time to dream… again.

Lately, God has been "kicking up" some of the dreams in my heart. You know… the deep ones-- ones that I usually only talk to him about and very few people really know. You know those things that you really, really, really hope that God will do through your life, but you are afraid to admit to anyone out of fear that they will think you are prideful or crazy? Well, I have a few of these myself-- and I have totally pushed them out of my mind for 2 reasons…  #1.. "being faithful" with where I am… and #2…being afraid of dissapointment and being "wrong"...

I have been sensing the Lord doing this "kicking up" over the last 6 weeks or so-- but, in the last week I have felt those dreams really pressing on me.  Last weekend I went to the "Women of Faith" conference in Dallas, and was completely overwhelmed, to tears, in watching Kari Jobe lead us into intimacy with the Lord through worship… and listening to Priscilla Shirer speak. Of course I was overwhelmed by God's presence, BUT, honestly... I was more overwhelmed by being in the presence of regular, ordinary women… who were walking out their destiny, purpose and desire!!! Its like, they were all doing what they were born to do! That alone-- tears. 

Then, this past Thursday, I had lunch with a new favorite of mine, Donna… and my heart was really expectant!! We sat down and one of the first things that she asked me was "...what would you want to do as your job, if you could do anything… if money was no object… what is in your heart...". It was like she was giving me permission to dream… she was giving me an opportunity to go to a place in my heart that I normally shut off. As I began to tell her my dreams...and the things that I am afraid are "too big" for me to do and be… she lit up!!! She spoke life into my dreams… she spoke courage and hope into my dreams…. and she affirmed the gifts that God has given me!!! I could not have been more thankful for that time with her! It did something in me… in my heart… 

I would love to say that I have "arrived" and know exactly what feel like I was born to do… but, really it is just the beginning of the journey for me. So… here is what I have found myself doing in order to get a better idea of what is really in my heart to do, and be, and live...

… I am making a mental list of the things that I am natrually good at-- which are normally things that make other people feel overwhelmed. It is simple things like, figuring things out or making sense of chaos. 

… I am praying and asking God for more opportunities to use these gifts. Giving myself to him in a new way and pretty much saying to him, "here I am…"

...I am actively looking for places to start the "doing" part of walking out my dreams. 

For me, on the practical side… this looks like starting a small group at my house-- and leading volunteers at my church. In my heart, this is the way that I am moving in the direction of my dreams… and trusting God to do the rest!

My question is, how many of us really dream? Or do we just accept the status quo and reason away the things that God has put on our hearts? Do we really desire to see God pour through our lives in a way that stretches our faith, fills our hearts and brings life to those around us? Or, instead-- do we talk about all the reasons why we cant do things? Are we trying to make sure we are SURE of our dreams before stepping out? Or do we step out, and walk on water?

Lets dream again! Lets take the limits off! Lets encourage other people to do the things that God has put on their hearts! Lets go after new things and push ourselves! Lets move forward in fearless pursuit of our dreams! 

It really is just that simple. 

Will "the real me" please stand up??!!!

Whew… what a journey I have been on the past 9 months. A journey of walking deeper in the love of my father. A journey of living my life from that place of being loved by Him. It's a paradigm shift. It's a new mind. Its a new heart. And its amazing!!!

I started praying a prayer at the end of 2012 that went something like this… "show me what is really me-- the real me." What I really was asking the Lord to do was to show me 2 things… #1… who is "Nandi" in her friendships-- but apart from fear, insecurity or comparison. #2…what gifts has God given me that are purely from him...

So, the past year or so has been this slow chipping away at "Nandi". At me-- or honestly, what I thought was really me! I started out with this list… 

I knew that…

I love to serve others. 
Friendships are so important to me-- and I am loyal. 
I enjoy a good heartfelt conversation. 
It brings me joy to see people walk in their gifts. 
I love transformation. 
I like being in front of people in public situations.
I desire to make others around me look better. 
I like working hard.
I like making spreadsheets. 
I enjoy looking at the big picture, but breaking it down to small chunks.  
I am a good friend and enjoy getting to know people in a deeper way. 
I enjoy systems and am always looking at a better way to do things.
I fight for friendships-- especially ones I care about. 
I love the idea of family. 
I like to give thoughtful gifts.
I am a verbal processor.
I want to be married.
I give words of affirmation-- and need that back, not much… just some.
I write long emails.
I like to think about things and analyze situations. 
I enjoy laughing and making fun of myself. 
...and so on and so on. 

As I have gone on this journey of resting in the Father's love, he has slowly started uncovering the "real me". The person, honestly, that I feel like I was born to really be! As I am learning to rest in His love, I have found that less of my heart has been searching for significance in things outside of how He feels about me-- and as this change has happened, a few thing have happened. #1.. I am less and less concerned about what people think about me. Almost to a fault :) #2.. I am allowing other people to be who they are and not compare as much and #3.. I am embracing who I am-- being the best "me" I can be!!!

I was on a walk yesterday, and as I was talking about all of this to the Lord-- I heard him say… "You give glory to me by being you… I love your way about you… and the real you"

Isn't that true??!! But, how many of us really live from that place?!!! It is still a journey for me!!! I would venture to say that in order to get to the place of loving who you really are and living authentically you-- without comparison, without fear, without reservation… it starts with knowing the Father's love for you!!! Not just nodding and agreeing, but daily asking him to reveal it to you and planting it deep in your heart and the soul of who you are!

So-- what has happened with the list above??? Nothing. haha! Absolutely nothing!!! All of what I was before, were things that God put in me and how he made me… but, not things that I have embraced and "let out" of me all the time…and with everyone! That is what HAS happened… the me in the list above is finally coming out-- and if you come near me, you will most likely experience some part of me from the list above… wahoo!!!! And, now… I am me, not just with some people, or sometimes, but all the time!!! Well, at least more of the time than ever before :) SO, I am still a verbal processor, I like systems, enjoy good conversations… but, I am embracing these things about me instead of trying to change them!!! And, I am surrounding myself with people that not only enjoy these things about me, but they celebrate who I am… and don't walk away or give up on me when they see something that doesn't suit them! 

I would encourage all of us to go on this journey… its one of freedom!!! Every time I have a chance to give an opinion about something, I ask myself "Am I agreeing because I am afraid??". When I am writing an email, I ask myself "Are you saying that because you are afraid they will think you are too much??". As I am honest with myself and with the Lord… He shows me the road less traveled. And, as I have made some decisions to let the real "me" stand up, I have found myself filled with more peace, joy and perspective!

Now..my life is more quiet. 
my life is more full. 
my life is more fun. 
my life is more me. 

All because He is teaching me to rest in his love, and live from that place of being loved by him. I am who I am!!!

A little while ago, I told a friend via text that "I hate myself, everything about myself" as tears ran down my face. Now, I can say that I am learning to love myself… and like myself too! Only God can change a heart from the inside out!!! I am one of those hearts… 

Gratefully His… 

Nandi